Doubt is an integral part of the human experience. When we choose to incarnate on Earth, we choose separation from our true identity, which is love, unity, peace, and joy. We choose victimhood, or else we choose to be tyrants. We come to Earth to experience pain, fear, lack, and duality. Why in the world would anyone want to come to Earth, in spite of how beautiful and diverse our planet is?
When a higher level soul or being decides to incarnate on Earth in order to assist humanity or the consciousness of the planet, a step-down process is necessary in order to be born into a human body. The dimension of consciousness present on Earth requires that a soul be broken or “shattered” as many describe it, in order to lose sight of and faith in the beauty and unity of truth. Once the soul is broken and has lived lifetimes as both a victim and a perpetrator of terror, the soul can then embark on the reverse journey of healing and repair. Essentially remembering who we were before being shattered and bringing this healing energy of unity, trust, faith, beauty, health, peace, and serenity back to a world that has been endlessly torn apart by war, judgment, pain, cruelty, shame, and betrayal.
Doubt in myself is something that has haunted me this entire lifetime. The shattering did its job on me, to be sure. I have spent years carefully reassembling the pieces of my heart, and yet I still find myself terrified of being at the mercy of other human beings. I know of unity and integration, and the alchemy of healing, clearing, and transformation of energies. The shadows are part of the mandala that is our existence as much as the light.
I lead a fairly solitary life. While being connected to others appeals to me, and I do have friends, I find it challenging to be really close to others. Being human does not come naturally to me. If, like me, you know yourself to be a starseed, you know what I mean. Competition and the hierarchies at work, admiring and following celebrities, needing likes on social media, belonging…all of these things feel foreign to me. Gatherings and parties, religion, communities and groups…I just never really feel like I belong to any of them.
Yet I know I came to Earth for a purpose, and that this purpose is to assist humanity, the planet and all of her creatures and elements to ascend to a higher level of consciousness. I am here to assist others in their process if they so desire. I am here to transmute lower frequency energies in the air, the water, the soil, in the plants, animals, and insects as well as the disease and toxins in our bodies into higher frequencies. I do this in the privacy of my backyard and inside my house.
Living a human life in full alignment with my true self is my heart’s greatest desire. Yet the work I want to do seems to elude me. How to make a living making art and helping others to heal themselves without being a master marketer? How to be in the ease and flow of trust, of letting go and receiving the synchronicities born of living flow that is life? Each time I create a business, write a blog post, the customers and readers seem distant, silent. I never know if I touch hearts and minds, no matter how much I try. And I do try, over and over again, without too much expectation. Because it is more important to keep giving than to give into doubt and despair. As long as there remains a shadow of doubt, there is enough doubt remaining to prevent access to the higher dimensional experiences of unconditional love and connection.
Doubt and low self-esteem are a mark of lack. Lack of self-love, lack of confidence. Yet I was born by choice (I believe) into a family and into a life that repeatedly beat me up emotionally, cast me out. So that I could choose to become strong and not seek out love and support from others. So that eventually I would know myself as a powerful creator or realities and an endless source of unconditional love. Well, I’m still working on it.
For the last couple of years, I have wanted to quit my conventional job. The job that pays the bills. So that I can paint and write full-time. Because I haven’t yet experienced financial rewards from my artistic endeavors, doubt continues to haunt me. Is my belief system firmly anchored in the social illusion that one must give one’s time, energy, and lifeblood away doing work that one does not enjoy in order to receive sufficient funds to keep a roof over one’s head?
The ultimate question that doubt poses to me is this:
Can I trust myself?
I know that I, that each of us creates our own experience of reality. Our thoughts and beliefs from one minute to the next also reinforce or transform our collective experience of reality. Each time I invest in fear and continue to stay employed at a job that helps me to take care of my son in college, to pay my mortgage and car payment, to keep food in the fridge and the utility bills paid, I am reinforcing the status quo. Keeping myself in limbo, as it were. So how do I step into the unknown? How do I let go? How do I trust myself and stop behaving like a victim? How do I create with confidence and abundant self-love, the reality I truly wish to experience?
To be honest, I don’t yet have the answer to this question. I suppose a point of readiness will be reached, and I will make a decision. When I was five years old, I was thrown in a pool by an adult at a summer camp. I did not know how to swim, and it was a traumatic experience. One day, at the age of 30, if I remember correctly, I was walking past the municipal pool in Noisy-le-Grand, a suburb of Paris where I used to live. I had walked by that building many, many times. But on that particular day, I decided to walk into that building and inquire about the cost of swimming lessons. I purchased ten lessons, and I committed myself to learn the basics of swimming. When it came to jumping into the pool, the lifeguard, Vincent, was very kind. He held my hand. But, ultimately, I jumped into the pool alone. And I didn’t drown. I didn’t die. My body floated up to the surface of the water, as bodies tend to do.
How do we know when we are ready to live in love with ourselves and to cast aside fear and doubt? I believe that we are our own ultimate lovers. We alone can fulfill all of the neediness we feel inside. No one and nothing else can solve the issue of empowerment. We all came to Earth to experience loneliness, separation, fear, shame, judgment. Some of us have suffered so much over so many lifetimes, it is hard to imagine how we can heal from these experiences. Ultimately, being broken into a million pieces over many lifetimes teaches us unconditional love of self and others. We’ve all been there, and once we attempt to stop judging self and others, we can cherish and understand how much we have all been through and how strong and brave we all are.
I raised my son by myself, with no family, no father. Having to hold everything together with limited finances. I am proud to have raised a son who is kind, smart, and a great student. He works two jobs to help put himself through school in Finland, while I do everything I can to support him. And now it’s my time to shine. To climb out from under the rock of sacrifice and realize that I am responsible for my own life and what I do with it. There is still a lot I want to do. No one is going to save me. I think it’s time to think about what I really want. To really believe in that vision. Beyond the shadow of any doubt.
Photos in this post taken during my recent trip to Helsinki, Finland. The first two photos are at Weegee, depicting Futuro, a space age house designed in the 1960’s by Finnish architect Matti Suuronen. It is part of the Espoo contemporary art museum, EMMA, and this year is the 50th anniversary of the Futuro house. The last photo is in Porvoo, Finland, depicting a monument commemorating the 200th anniversary of the Diet of Porvoo, establishing the Grand Principality of Finland in 1809. The art in the fifth picture from the top is a tapestry by British artist, Grayson Perry, exhibited on the fifth floor of the Kiasma contemporary art museum in Helsinki. The floating figures are at the Senate Square at the Helsinki Cathedral in a performance celebrating the Night of the Arts.