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Women’s Fib: How to get what we all really need and want


art installation by Yoko Inoue

art installation by Yoko Inoue

Hello readers,

First of all, I do want to acknowledge how the pioneers in the women’s lib movement really did so much to make the lives of women better. While we still haven’t received wage equality and male / female relationships are extremely fraught with problems (high divorce, low commitment), women are now free to pursue almost any career we put our mind to. As many of us are now single parents, we don’t have the support network we once had, but we can purchase homes and take care of our families, if we can afford to.

In all honesty, however, many of us are struggling financially and many of us are not in satisfying relationships with men.  The original women’s lib movement saw us as being subjugated by a paternalistic system, and this was and is still true.  The problem was the solution proposed and implemented was “equality” with men. To give us the freedom to pursue the same dreams and desires that men have.  Unfortunately, women are not men, and the results of this process of liberation, with forty to fifty years perspective, is a lot of loneliness and social disconnection.

What is it that women need that is different from men’s needs and desires?  Biologically, women are social connectors and nurturers. We possess high levels of intelligence, as high as those of men, but our brains work differently, and our hormones focus our energies in different ways. Our sexuality also works differently. While there are always exceptions, because women bear children and feel a stronger sense of responsibility for their families, we feel the need to create stability and to network with other people in order to create and maintain that stability. Sexually, we seek intimacy and deep connection in order to liberate the full power of our sexual energy. Yes, we can be playful and superficial too, but ultimately, most of us seek something deeper.

Men are different from us is so many ways. While women hold high dreams, hopes, and ambitions in their hearts, as do men, the archetype of the conqueror and the need to be a bearer of noble ideals is a male need and ideal.  The male cannot achieve his true and best self without having a female champion and source of inspiration, much like the knight in Christian medieval times in his pursuit of his idealized lady, who actually was a symbol of his own soul. The truth is that when men and women become aware of their inner selves, we become more complete beings.  A woman can inspire a man to integrate his inner feminine. One of the greatest rewards of the Women’s Lib movement was to push women to discover their inner masculine: their intellect and the opportunity to be independent – to learn how to use tools to fix things and generally find solutions to problems for which women traditionally relied upon men.

When women don’t integrate their inner masculine, they become manipulative and needy. We identify with the victim archetype and often engage in co-dependent relationships instead of developing our own potential. A mature woman is secure in herself and has no need to manipulate others in order to engage in a satisfying relationship. Her emotional energy is freed up to pursue and develop her innate talents and abilities, and she is also open to meet a man half way to create a relationship based on interdependence and not a handicapped situation of codependency, so common today. In fact, codependency is why relationships are so tangled and divorce is so common. Men and women are simply not yet mature enough to engage in grown-up relationships. First, we have to develop our souls.

Now that many women have achieved and hopefully integrated their inner masculine, which is the counter-point symbol of the woman’s soul, it is time for men to do the same.  Without this growth from men, women feel lonely. There are few men out in the world who have done the work to raise up their own soul, to develop their inner feminine. Yes, many men are now more competent nurturers and enjoy fatherhood like never before in human history. This has been one important step. So what is missing?

When I meet men in a dating situation, I find that they often seem to see women in a very superficial way. I don’t  feel in these men a deep respect for the whole woman, because they appear to attempting to meet their sexual needs without taking into account the fact that relationship takes time to open up and grow. This is not entirely the fault of men. By giving away our sexuality too freely and without prior unfolding into intimacy, in my opinion, women have been losing out.  This is not a moral judgment. There is nothing wrong with being sexual and having sexual desires. This is a very important part of nature – our nature as human beings, and this is something sacred.

The problem, however, is that women and men are not getting their deeper needs met, more often than not. Men are getting mired in childish and selfish behaviors. They are rarely rising up to reach their best self, even though unconsciously, they are looking for the woman who will help them reach those heights. That feeling of being a man comes from a man integrating his inner  feminine. His soul requires him to be a hero, he needs to strive, to work hard to go through many hardships and nearly lose his life many times in order to gain the right and privilege to be with the woman of his heart. This woman represents his soul. She is precious and a shining light in his life. By giving away sexual opportunities without giving a man the opportunity to strive and surpass himself, a woman is selling herself short.

Women are not getting what they instinctively crave from relationships. Women crave the romance and the long process of courtship – of a man needing to prove himself worthy of her – build her affection, and most importantly her admiration and appreciation of her man. In this process, intimacy and trust are created, as are respect and admiration.  A man needs to be admired and appreciated. If he does nothing to show the woman he is pursuing that he is worthy, deep down, she has no deep or proven respect for him.  This respect is the foundation of the bond between a man and a woman. The selfish and childish man who is only seeking sexual gratification from a woman, which he can easily get today from almost any woman with almost no effort, is a common problem in modern “liberated” life.

So how can contemporary women in countries where women’s sexuality is lived freely and with little restriction do to improve male / female relationships? How can we allow men to grow up and to rise up to their true potential and aspirations? We now know that hooking up is hurting us (women) and although they don’t know it, because they are having so much easy and pain-free fun, it is also hurting men.

The answer is this: women need to hold men to high standards. As in education, if we have high expectations for our children and hold our kids to these standards, our children will work hard and try their best to reach their potential and to please us.  This is a natural process.  Our men want to be our heroes.  This is a simple and natural biological and spiritual need in a man’s heart and soul. Look at action movies – these are movies made for men, to feed their natural drive for action, danger, the opportunity to show courage and heroism in the face of danger. This is what men need to feel strong. Without opportunities to show nobility and integrity, men function at a lower level. In our society, we often see opportunism, narcissism. Basically a lot of greedy and selfish behavior. Look at our corporations and politicians. Just as individually men need to be lifted up by ideals, the same truth holds true collectively. We need to hold up a standard of behavior towards which men can strive and aspire. Our capitalist culture and economy supports selfish behavior, but even as many strive to obtain as much money and power as possible, in truth, these people can never be satisfied. This is a primitive state of mind and soul, akin to being a two year-old.

None of us would like to live our entire lives with the maturity of a two or three year-old, yet this is where we are stuck, here in the USA, as a culture.  We have millions of people pursuing wealth, admiring celebrities, and attempting to gratify their impulsive desires without delay – including violence, desires for revenge, inability to accept frustrations which are an integral part of life. We live in a technologically advanced society which is spiritually retarded. We have forgotten our responsibilities – that we need to be stewards of our environment. It is our job to care for our land, for all people, for all of the animals and plants that accompany us here on Earth. We have forgotten that to rise up to a high standard of behavior gives us a greater sense of purpose and feeling of accomplishment. We instinctively feel the need to rise up to these higher levels of behavior, but for the most part, people have little to no guidance as to how to accomplish this.

I would love to meet a man who is self-aware and mature. I don’t give away my sexuality any more, because as I have learned to know myself, I found that I crave intimacy and true connection…and not because I believe that sexual freedom is bad. My freedom is found in respecting myself and in honoring my true being. Sometimes I feel lonely, but I don’t want to settle.

I do believe that each of us comes to this Earth to serve a sacred purpose and to fulfill a sacred contract – an agreement we each make before we incarnate into our body during this lifetime.  As a life unfolds, we encounter opportunities, challenges, and relationships which are all teaching and learning experiences. As we accept to grow or stagnate, we may or may not feel happy, but the ultimate goal is to grow our souls. We each do have a purpose, and this purpose helps us to also serve our culture, our group, our nation, our world communities, inspiring us all to evolve and grow. We can serve Nature and our own nature by rising up to reach for the aspirations of our souls.  Men and women all over the world share the same inner nature. Nature, like us, is bound by laws. When we obey these laws and take responsibility for our personal growth, we experience a feeling of belonging.

And so, ladies, this is my advice to you:

Let your men pursue you.  Don’t make it too easy for them. Don’t torture them. Just let them be noble. Let them rise up to the aspirations of their souls. Be a lady, and show respect and admiration for them as they grow and find integrity and strength. Women can be critical and manipulative. Don’t use men, and don’t try to get them to do what you want to serve your needs, because you won’t respect yourself or your man. Spend your time developing your inner strength, your inner masculine. This is the counterpoint and voice of your own soul. He needs you to be powerful in your own way, so that you are a shining star in his life, a beacon towards which he can focus his energies and find inspiration. You are a symbol of his soul, but you are not his soul. In spite of this, you can help a man grow and maintain integrity. He wants to be your hero, even if he doesn’t know it yet (consciously). Teach your children well. Teach your kids about the importance of relationships and not just about pursuing a successful academic and professional career. So many preteen and teen girls feel that they don’t have time for relationships. So they hook up. Boys don’t respect girls today. They use them, and this prevents boys from growing up into men. Men today may look like men. They may have successful careers. But if they cannot leave the toddler stage of emotional development, they are men in name only.  We, as women, have the additional responsibility of helping men to grow up by not giving ourselves away to them.

You may say that you don’t want to be alone. I understand that. But use that alone time wisely. Use it to grow up yourself. Learn how to cut grass and bushes. Learn to develop your intellect. Learn how to repair your car and manage your money. All of these activities and responsibilities will help you develop your inner character and soul. You will heal yourself of victim and manipulative fantasies. A man will not solve my or your problems or heal your life. That is your job. We each need to take care of ourselves. Women’s Lib has taught us that. But we are not meant to be alone. The mature relationship is one where the woman is an adult and which the man is an adult.  As a society today in the United States, there are probably many more adult women than there are men.  Let’s work together to help our society to grow up. Our children need adult parents, and not enough have the emotional support they need to grow up secure and responsible adults. It is our responsibility to ourselves and to our kids to become self-aware.

We can get our needs met as men and as women. It takes work and some sacrifice, and a lot of self care, self-love, and self-awareness. We can grow our society and give our children a better world in which to live. We can give them the goals of self-awareness and the vision of purpose for their lives as formed by their sacred contract, rather than feed them with images of fame, power, and money as goals to pursue. Let’s feed  our souls and honor our nature as human beings. These natural needs, when ignored, appear in a variety of ways to help us. Sometimes we become very uncomfortable in the process. It’s OK to be alone for a while. Better than being with an immature partner in a co-dependent relationship. It’s time to solve codependency, end manipulative relationship systems where we try to get our needs met through other people, and create mature interdependent relationships. We can do it with some courage and insight. We’ll go through the pain of growth and come out the other side thinking, why didn’t I do this a long time ago?

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