You may have noticed that self-love is one of my most frequently used tags on this blog. While everything in our societies is conspiring for us to neglect and hate ourselves, all while making us believe we are extremely important, self-love is the most important goal in achieving awareness of the true unity which is our reality. Shaming and the belief that we are somehow inadequate or could use improvement are such pervasive beliefs that we scarcely notice the constant buzzing of these thoughts in our subconscious minds.
Before I became a parent, while I was far from living actualized self-love…very far…I did not live in fear of events or circumstances either. In fact, my level of self-love and appreciation was so low that I would take risks that were very poorly considered, because I did not fear to lose my life. Today, after experiencing many struggles, I have been working towards loving myself and the life around me as well. Being a parent and trying my best to provide a stable and nurturing environment for my son have taught me a lot about being in the world. But being a single parent also inadvertently pushed me into a lot of fear.
Fear is the antithesis of life. It closes so many doors, and while we are so busy trying to control circumstances in our own lives, we haplessly close doors on the infinite potential of each living moment. It has taken me a very long time to realize this, and I am just waking up to the realization that I can be a good parent, be loving of myself as well, and just let life happen.
My worries or prayers for protection will not keep trees from falling on my roof or from lightning striking my home. They won’t keep away kidnappers or thieves, or prevent accidents. I do believe in a spirit world that does support us all at each moment. And I do my best to show gratitude each day for the gifts I enjoy in my life, but as a parent, I have experienced that this gratitude is often mined by nagging worries. How can I keep everyone safe, healthy? How can I have enough money to provide for my family, to keep my home intact?
It is as if I have been carrying a belief that if I worry sufficiently, that my mind control will somehow direct the energies of the Universe, surrounding my little family and home with a bubble of protection. This mechanism does allow me a certain level of peace of mind, because I feel so responsible for holding everything together as a single parent. But what would happen if I were to let go of all of that worry, of that need to control, of that heavy burden of responsibility over things which I truly do not possess the power to manipulate?
This doesn’t mean that I would suddenly become an irresponsible parent. I could never do that! But to care enough for myself to let myself be fully alive might just make me a better role model for my son. He is so creative and full of life himself. Perhaps he should be my role model! The open, positive attitude of embracing life, no matter what happens, however, will hopefully support my health and home, and make our lives richer, more alive, more connected, and more exciting.
To let life unfold without ambition or obstruction on my part…that is my goal, and to manifest the love that is my nature in my everyday life. Nothing else really matters, because love is everyone and everything…the buzzing energy that is life, spirit, information, imagination, potential. Already I feel some things unfolding as I start to let go of fear and control. For example, I need to earn some extra money to pay for repairs to my home, language and music enrichment lessons for my son, and to save for his college education. As soon as I made the decision to let go, some opportunities came to me, easily. I am about to start teaching French conversation lessons and do some web page support to complement my regular income.
It is my hope that by living without fear each day that I will transmit on some level to my son and to those whose lives I may touch the beauty that is me, you, and the beauty that is the experience of being truly alive!