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Triggered: Healing codependency through the ascension process


 

duality and emotional turmoil

Dearest readers,

Do you feel like the number of times that you are emotionally triggered has increased over the last few years, months, even days? If you do, you are not alone.

The ascension process is a gradual awakening of the human being, and a transition or healing process as well, taking us from a polarized state of duality to a more unified way of thinking, feeling, being, and doing. To experience unity consciousness, we must integrate the bits and pieces of ourselves and of our power that we have given away to others through victim consciousness and the myriad ways that the duality system has caused us to suffer and be cut off from our Higher Self as well as from other people and beings.

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Every time I am triggered, I have to remind myself that the person or situation causing me to feel angry, upset, manipulated, cheated, hurt, or sad is an opportunity to get to know myself better and to take more responsibility for my own life. When I start to understand that this person or situation is not responsible for my personal unhappiness in that given moment and when I start to see myself and my role in that situation more clearly, I can integrate that new information and I become more mature and more able to face life confidently and with more love for myself and for others simultaneously.

Duality always presents an either/or outcome for every relationship, situation, and experience. It is either a good or bad experience. A person is good or bad. We are always judging self and others without even realizing it because we have been conditioned from a very young age to do so, and this conditioning is constantly reinforced by family, school, work, society, entertainment, etc. Codependency is a system of relationship in which we are never truly sovereign beings. We are never responsible for our own pain or failure, and we either are trained to blame others for our suffering or to hold it in and punish ourselves, playing the martyr.

Vasilis Avramidis painting

Unity consciousness and the ascension process give us a way out and above all, a way up. Higher consciousness and thinking mean that we no longer have to spin in circles, endlessly repeating the same experiences with different people that all have the same outcomes. Why do so many marriages end in divorce? Why is there so much violence in our societies? Why so much domestic violence, bullying, suicide, child abuse, incest, theft, manipulation, drug and alcohol abuse?

All of these behaviors are symptoms of duality and codependency. Where there is shame and judgment from birth onwards, we all are made to feel as if we are not whole and perfect as we are, innately. By being trained to seek love, perfection, and completion from outside of self from a very young age, we also learn to punish and judge self and others constantly and mercilessly. This process of auto-sado-mascochism and violence towards others can be healed by shifting to a higher level of consciousness.

Because we all carry so many wounds from self, family, society, and from our ancestors and lifetimes on other dimensions and timelines, there is a lot to heal and integrate. And we are living in a time of healing and revelation of all that has been suppressed. This is why everything appears so chaotic. There is an endless supply of triggers for all of us to “use” for our own benefit, and for the greater good of everyone and all that exists.

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As corruption and abuse is revealed on all levels of society and government, and where polarity seems to be exacerbated, we are all given much food for thought. All that has been hidden for so long is now coming to the surface to be integrated and rethought. We now are able to see how dark and distorted the world we have been given as our collective reality truly is, and we have the opportunity to see how powerful we are to change that collective experience. We are not victims, though we have been trained to think that way for eons. All human beings possess the ability to create whatever we can imagine.

Since we are trained to expect the worst of life, this is what we experience. Now we can change this and begin to love and appreciate ourselves. The nature of reality is extremely pliable. Our minds and hearts are the matter and crux of our personal and collective experiences of life. Once we shift our inner life perspective and start to focus on love of self and others, all while taking full responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, choices, actions, the “outer” reality will begin to quickly shift for all of us.

Codependency is a system of relationship that was artificially created to keep humanity in constant pain, confusion, and discomfort. It doesn’t have to be that way. Welcome the triggers. They are opportunities to shift from darkness and pain into ease and happiness. It is a process, and it takes a lot of work. It doesn’t happen overnight, the way people who spout off about the Law of Attraction seem to indicate. Humanity has been enslaved for thousands of years. All of us. Healing from this simply takes time, focused attention, effort, dedication, and hope.

duality painting

I’ll share a recent personal example of a pretty powerful trigger I experienced a few days ago. A coworker has been asking for financial contributions for her daughter, who is about to take a four day trip to NYC with her band class for a performance at Carnegie Hall. She is a single parent, but she does receive child support, and she has multiple streams of income. She has known about this trip for quite some time. The total cost of the trip is $1500. I am also a single parent, and I don’t receive any child support and have no other source of income other than my job. My son is in college overseas, and I have a lot of expenses for travel, insurance, etc. associated with supporting him.

I felt really uncomfortable when my coworker approached me and others, asking for money because I try so hard to be organized, independent, and responsible. I also know that my coworker gives a lot of money to charitable organizations and to her church. I found myself trying to judge her for her poor financial management and for her brazen requests for funds. Then I realized I needed to look within and learn what was causing these feelings of being triggered and upset.

I realized that within the codependent families I know (my own ) and those of friends, that we each play a different role within the codependent family system. One person is the responsible one, possibly the scapegoat. The person who can take care of him or herself and who never gets any help. The person who can be dumped on and who should carry the weight of the shadow for the whole family. Then there is the “poor me” victim and baby who never grows up and always is helpless and needs to be taken care of, long after they are physically mature adults. There are martyrs, victims, bullies, scapegoats in every codependent family.

As a middle child, I happened to be the scapegoat/responsible one. Everyone hated me so they didn’t have to hate themselves. And I never got help or helped when I needed it. So it is logical that this trigger should come up. A helpless person (who is an adult and who is not “really” helpless) asking the responsible one to take responsibility for her child’s trip because she is too disorganized to manage her finances properly!!!

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As I turned the situation around and around in my head and heart, I realized that it was the residues of my own codependent upbringing that were coming up to be healed and resolved. I had told my coworker that I wouldn’t contribute to her fund. But more importantly, I realized that her issues are her own to heal, and that mine are my own. I don’t need to judge her and her financial management skills (or lack thereof). She will heal from her codependency when she is good and ready. Sometimes it’s OK to ask for help. And no, I’m not responsible for raising her kid. But I don’t need to feel angry or upset about it, though the trigger brought up the pain and indignation so I could feel it and remember how upsetting it is to be made to feel as though you are the one responsible for everyone else’s pain and discomfort. I know in my mind, and I have known for a long time, that this is not true. But to actually be at peace in one’s mind, body, heart all at the same time…that is true healing. When that trigger can come up again and I just feel peaceful inside…then I will know that I am healed in that area.

Naked Lunch Rimi Yang

These triggers that are coming up all over the place produce very challenging emotions and thoughts. I consider them to be gifts, and I hope that humanity will take these countless opportunities to heal ourselves and to heal our world. We are one family, and we are all perfect, as is. It is hard to be human, but it’s getting easier.

Welcome to New Earth, fellow human being. I wish you the very best on your journey, and I hope I can support you through my words of encouragement, understanding, and explorations of reality.

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Ascension and Descension: the fall and the comeback


 

Snake-Ceiling-by-Ai-Weiwei

Dearest readers,

I find the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden extremely fascinating. In fact, I believe that this story contains the seeds of the current collective experience of humanity. The fall of humanity and the conscious choice of humanity to experience separation from oneness, God, or unity and to spiral downwards into an experience of ego, pain, separation, control, and lack instigated by a snake with feet or reptilian creature is a very interesting state of affairs.

snake with feet

In her children’s book series The Time Quintet, Madeleine L’Engle explores the nature of existence, quantum physics, and the true (hidden) story of human history. Often, her explorations draw references from Old Testament Bible tales. In the fourth book in the series, Many Waters, the most pragmatic and least metaphysical of the Murray family members twin brothers Sandy and Dennys travel back in time to what seems to be a Biblical era. In this time-space, angels, unicorns, and the seductive nephilim, which are extra-dimensional beings who can shape-shift but who have cut their connections with Source, all co-exist and share interpersonal relationships, including marriage with humans. Throughout the narrative, human beings are still connected to some degree to their innate powers and intuitive abilities, as they are still able to see and interact with higher dimensional beings.

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I believe that the fallen angels or Nephilim, which some describe as giants and others as extraterrestrial beings, are somehow related to the reptilian beings who came to Earth. The “Fall” of humanity and disconnection of our consciousness from our initial place of unity with our Source Creator and with all that is, is recounted in the story of the Garden of Eden.

Today, while musing on this subject, I was guided to a video containing a live channeled message called The 9th Dimensional Lemurian Collective – Aspects of the Reptilian Agenda.

This message is fascinating and extremely relevant to the subject regarding the Fall and sheds much insight on the subject. It is a complex message about how and when a certain group of reptilian extraterrestrial beings came to the planetary being we call Earth, and how they “hijacked” human consciousness in order to resume their own ascension process. It is explained that human beings are naturally connected to our Source Creator, to the consciousness of the planet, and to the consciousness and cycles of our Sun.

We were living completely in unity and synchronized with the energies on our planet, with her plants and creatures, and with her consciousness until this “invading” force entered the scene. Thus the snake and the temptation at the Tree of Knowledge.

The fact that the Garden of Eden story contains a scene of temptation is also interesting. It means that we somehow were tricked into relinquishing our unity consciousness in exchange for a different experience, which would be the experience of separation from God and from our own innate connections to the consciousness of the planet, to experiences of pain and lack – such as painful childbirth and needing to work to make a living. Were we tricked, or did we make a choice? Much is made of the female being tempted, in an effort to demonize and blame the woman for the Fall.

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The channeled message in the video does not reference the story of Adam and Eve, but she does explain that the reptilian beings needed to use human energy and consciousness for their own purposes. Not because they wanted to hurt us, but simply because they could not live on our planet without using our consciousness. And for whatever reason, they could not pursue their own ascension process on their home planet.

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Like human beings, reptilian beings are diverse. Some are more evolved than others, spiritually-speaking. Intuitively, I have long felt that human beings are by nature kind, generous, and sensitive beings. Like the blue-skinned inhabitants of the film Avatar, I feel that we were once connected to Nature and able to connect to the consciousness of all creatures. The human beings who are “asleep” or in a low frequency state, are acting through the hijacked reptilian consciousness program which allows those who run the program to use our innate abilities, which are part of our DNA, to be creators of realities upon our planet.

 

Because more and more human beings are awakening and remembering what our true nature is, where we come from, and what our innate abilities are as creator beings connected to the consciousness of the planet and to the multiverse, it is becoming more difficult for the hijackers of our consciousness to keep the program running. Will the reptilians and their hybrids’ ability to keep using human consciousness for their own purposes come to an end? Will reptilians and human beings be able to both ascend on their own timelines? These eventualities remain to be seen.

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Ascension and descension are spiral staircases in the loops of time-space. We can choose to go up and down these DNA-like ladders at any time, as our frequencies shift and flow with our thoughts and our emotions. If we choose as individuals and as a collective to shift to higher frequencies back to unity consciousness, we will automatically consider our reptilian “hijackers” to be our brothers and sisters in the cosmic family. In oneness, there are no enemies. There are just diverse experiences from which we grow and learn.

We could see this as a form of Stockholm Syndrome, but perhaps instead of falling in love with our captors, we could see it as falling in love with our true selves once again. And our true selves are in unity consciousness. With the Law of One guiding us, we realize that no one and nothing is separate from us or from anyone else. The true organic matrix is one in which the pattern includes all and excludes no one.

For additional information on these subjects, here are two very interesting videos with contrasting points of view on the artificial intelligence/alien agenda:

 

Solar Logos: Resurrecting the Solar Stargate System, Paliadorian Diamond Sun Races, and Disclosure

Re-introduction to the Reptilians

 

 

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Beyond the shadow of doubt: transformation of beliefs


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Dearest readers,

Doubt is an integral part of the human experience. When we choose to incarnate on Earth, we choose separation from our true identity, which is love, unity, peace, and joy. We choose victimhood, or else we choose to be tyrants. We come to Earth to experience pain, fear, lack, and duality. Why in the world would anyone want to come to Earth, in spite of how beautiful and diverse our planet is?

When a higher level soul or being decides to incarnate on Earth in order to assist humanity or the consciousness of the planet, a step-down process is necessary in order to be born into a human body. The dimension of consciousness present on Earth requires that a soul be broken or “shattered” as many describe it, in order to lose sight of and faith in the beauty and unity of truth. Once the soul is broken and has lived lifetimes as both a victim and a perpetrator of terror, the soul can then embark on the reverse journey of healing and repair. Essentially remembering who we were before being shattered and bringing this healing energy of unity, trust, faith, beauty, health, peace, and serenity back to a world that has been endlessly torn apart by war, judgment, pain, cruelty, shame, and betrayal.

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Doubt in myself is something that has haunted me this entire lifetime. The shattering did its job on me, to be sure. I have spent years carefully reassembling the pieces of my heart, and yet I still find myself terrified of being at the mercy of other human beings. I know of unity and integration, and the alchemy of healing, clearing, and transformation of energies. The shadows are part of the mandala that is our existence as much as the light.

I lead a fairly solitary life. While being connected to others appeals to me, and I do have friends, I find it challenging to be really close to others. Being human does not come naturally to me. If, like me, you know yourself to be a starseed, you know what I mean. Competition and the hierarchies at work, admiring and following celebrities, needing likes on social media, belonging…all of these things feel foreign to me. Gatherings and parties, religion, communities and groups…I just never really feel like I belong to any of them.

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Yet I know I came to Earth for a purpose, and that this purpose is to assist humanity, the  planet and all of her creatures and elements to ascend to a higher level of consciousness. I am here to assist others in their process if they so desire. I am here to transmute lower frequency energies in the air, the water, the soil, in the plants, animals, and insects as well as the disease and toxins in our bodies into higher frequencies. I do this in the privacy of my backyard and inside my house.

Living a human life in full alignment with my true self is my heart’s greatest desire. Yet the work I want to do seems to elude me. How to make a living making art and helping others to heal themselves without being a master marketer? How to be in the ease and flow of trust, of letting go and receiving the synchronicities born of living flow that is life? Each time I create a business, write a blog post, the customers and readers seem distant, silent. I never know if I touch hearts and minds, no matter how much I try. And I do try, over and over again, without too much expectation. Because it is more important to keep giving than to give into doubt and despair. As long as there remains a shadow of doubt, there is enough doubt remaining to prevent access to the higher dimensional experiences of unconditional love and connection.

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Doubt and low self-esteem are a mark of lack. Lack of self-love, lack of confidence. Yet I was born by choice (I believe) into a family and into a life that repeatedly beat me up emotionally, cast me out. So that I could choose to become strong and not seek out love and support from others. So that eventually I would know myself as a powerful creator or realities and an endless source of unconditional love. Well, I’m still working on it.

For the last couple of years, I have wanted to quit my conventional job. The job that pays the bills. So that I can paint and write full-time. Because I haven’t yet experienced financial rewards from my artistic endeavors, doubt continues to haunt me. Is my belief system firmly anchored in the social illusion that one must give one’s time, energy, and lifeblood away doing work that one does not enjoy in order to receive sufficient funds to keep a roof over one’s head?

The ultimate question that doubt poses to me is this:

Can I trust myself?

I know that I, that each of us creates our own experience of reality. Our thoughts and beliefs from one minute to the next also reinforce or transform our collective experience of reality. Each time I invest in fear and continue to stay employed at a job that helps me to take care of my son in college, to pay my mortgage and car payment, to keep food in the fridge and the utility bills paid, I am reinforcing the status quo. Keeping myself in limbo, as it were. So how do I step into the unknown? How do I let go? How do I trust myself and stop behaving like a victim? How do I create with confidence and abundant self-love, the reality I truly wish to experience?

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To be honest, I don’t yet have the answer to this question. I suppose a point of readiness will be reached, and I will make a decision. When I was five years old, I was thrown in a pool by an adult at a summer camp. I did not know how to swim, and it was a traumatic experience. One day, at the age of 30, if I remember correctly, I was walking past the municipal pool in Noisy-le-Grand, a suburb of Paris where I used to live. I had walked by that building many, many times. But on that particular day, I decided to walk into that building and inquire about the cost of swimming lessons. I purchased ten lessons, and I committed myself to learn the basics of swimming. When it came to jumping into the pool, the lifeguard, Vincent, was very kind. He held my hand. But, ultimately, I jumped into the pool alone. And I didn’t drown. I didn’t die. My body floated up to the surface of the water, as bodies tend to do.

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How do we know when we are ready to live in love with ourselves and to cast aside fear and doubt? I believe that we are our own ultimate lovers.  We alone can fulfill all of the neediness we feel inside. No one and nothing else can solve the issue of empowerment. We all came to Earth to experience loneliness, separation, fear, shame, judgment. Some of us have suffered so much over so many lifetimes, it is hard to imagine how we can heal from these experiences. Ultimately, being broken into a million pieces over many lifetimes teaches us unconditional love of self and others. We’ve all been there, and once we attempt to stop judging self and others, we can cherish and understand how much we have all been through and how strong and brave we all are.

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I raised my son by myself, with no family, no father. Having to hold everything together with limited finances. I am proud to have raised a son who is kind, smart, and a great student. He works two jobs to help put himself through school in Finland, while I do everything I can to support him. And now it’s my time to shine. To climb out from under the rock of sacrifice and realize that I am responsible for my own life and what I do with it. There is still a lot I want to do. No one is going to save me. I think it’s time to think about what I really want. To really believe in that vision. Beyond the shadow of any doubt.

Photos in this post taken during my recent trip to Helsinki, Finland. The first two photos are at Weegee, depicting Futuro, a space age house designed in the 1960’s by Finnish architect Matti Suuronen. It is part of the Espoo contemporary art museum, EMMA, and this year is the 50th anniversary of the Futuro house. The last photo is in Porvoo, Finland, depicting a monument commemorating the 200th anniversary of the Diet of Porvoo, establishing the Grand Principality of Finland in 1809. The art in the fifth picture from the top is a tapestry by British artist, Grayson Perry, exhibited on the fifth floor of the Kiasma contemporary art museum in Helsinki. The floating figures are at the Senate Square at the Helsinki Cathedral in a performance celebrating the Night of the Arts.

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Ascension, Unity, and Sexuality: the blurring of gender and the global shift to a higher level of consciousness


purple and orange flowers

Dearest readers,

It is impossible to ignore the vast changes in human sexual identity over the last several years. You might say that human sexuality has always been extremely diverse as well as heavily regulated by culture. Today, it is simply the lifting of social and moral restrictions that has allowed what has always existed primarily in the shadows to be seen and expressed without being forced into hiding. This is true in many ways, and the integration of what has been suppressed and forced into the shadowy realms of the subconscious in the individual and the collective unconscious of humanity is a key aspect of the ascension process.

gender-fluid

For those who are not familiar with the term “ascension”, it simply indicates that we, as human beings, are in the process of very quickly evolving from a lower level of consciousness to a higher one. What is extremely unique about the era in which we are living is that we are now able to ascend with our physical bodies. While there are Biblical stories of individuals who ascended with their physical bodies, never before has an entire generation of human beings had the opportunity to ascend without the transition of death.

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Our current paradigm, which has been accepted as truth and the nature of reality for many thousands of years, is now shifting. A world based on duality and separation: male and female, good and bad, light and dark is now unifying. That which has been hidden is coming to light. This is why we are observing so much turmoil. What was always there: sex trafficking, human slavery, pedophilia, political corruption, the greed and extreme dishonesty of the elites, the fact that the whole of humanity has been enslaved, manipulated through mind control and propaganda, “dumbed down”, and tricked into submission through a clever and complex agenda of fear is now becoming apparent to an ever increasing number of people.

street art Santiago Chile

Most of these “secrets” have been hidden in plain sight. It is our increasing awareness that makes them easier to perceive as well as transforming our hearts, making us no longer willing to accept the horrors of the enforced reality. Cognitive dissonance is increasingly difficult to live with as we move into alignment with our higher aspects.

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It was always here with us, but we didn’t see it. The system which we accepted as “reality” was always dark and was always controlling us, but the frequency of the energies on Earth at the time allowed duality to flourish until the procession of time, which is always moving in cycles, allowed us both individually and collectively to shift our consciousness and to perceive what has been hidden from us. This shift also allows us to progressively “wake up” and remember who we once were. Our powers as human beings: telepathy, psychic abilities, levitation and flight, telekinesis – these and many others, which we have ascribed to “super heroes” are in fact our own normal higher dimensional abilities.

St-Joseph-of-Cupertino

So what is the sexuality of higher dimensional beings? As third-dimensional Earth-bound organic or physical beings, we are in the body as male or female, and sometimes hermaphrodite. The “opposites” attract to form a whole. Yet in the ascension process, the separation between individuals, the divisions between our chakras or energy centers are blending and blurring. Unification means removal of the barriers or divisions between us. As we ascend, we embody wholeness in and of ourselves, whether our physical body is male or female – we realize that we are not incomplete as such. We are becoming lighter, embodying more light, living more and more from our hearts, which are the true source of our power and connection to the Source Creator.

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Since there are most likely an infinite number of dimensions, and as humans, we are still organic beings, we won’t in the immediate be transforming into sexless orbs of light who do not need the mechanism of sexual reproduction in order to multiply. Because we are beings connected to the consciousness of the Earth while simultaneously living with the higher dimensions of our soul, we are the embodiment of an agreement to exist as spirit within the density of flesh, blood, bone, and tissue.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have read that our energy systems are evolving to form a single column of white light, connecting us through our root or feet to the core of Gaia, our Mother Earth, at one end, and to the infinite stretches of the multiverse, as we receive light through our crowns. In other words, our ascension to unity from separation is bringing us increased flow and fluidity.

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The culture of darkness in which we have collectively voluntarily or involuntarily joined the experience for the last few thousand years has become increasingly head-based and dominated by masculinity. We see a dominant reverence for science and technology and a relative scorn for the arts, a disdain for motherhood and the softer aspects of being human.  The innate respect for all life, the Earth, and for our connection to one another, to all of creation and its creatures which is familiar to all of the indigenous peoples of the Earth has been suppressed. We are, in ascension, experiencing the resurfacing of the divine feminine, which is very fluid in its expression.

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Carl Jung, one of the great fathers of modern psychology, was, unlike his mentor and sometimes nemesis Sigmund Freud, extremely interested in intuition and the balance of masculine and feminine. He likened the healing of the psyche to alchemy, and the integration of the shadow, or the energies suppressed by the conscious mind because of fear or trauma, to the mandala, which we see across all cultures in many different art forms.

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The mandala represents the totality of all being. We could call it a visual representation of God, which is the sum of everything that is – energy and consciousness in a pattern of opposites, colors, and geometric patterns, much like a kaleidoscope. We see these patterns in all cultures – from the rose windows of the Gothic cathedrals to abstractions in traditional Mosque architecture and mosaics. When we integrate all parts of our shadow – things about ourselves that we were not able to consciously accept and love, then our own self becomes a mandala.

 

 

In public life today, sexuality and the body are most often represented as the whole of who we are. We are taught by the culture and media to identify with our body and personality as the entirety of who we are, when nothing could be further from the truth. From a more unified perspective, in which there is a tension holding in balance the male and female parts of self and soul, we are each much larger and expansive than we could ever imagine.

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I believe the ascension process, as we collectively rise in consciousness, is allowing us to remember who we are as multidimensional spiritual beings as well as beings connected to the consciousness of the planet. Together, with the plants, animals, the air, water, soil, to the beings whom we have forgotten and forsaken – our extraterrestrial or star families, the elementals or nature spirits of Gaia with whom humans were once familiar and whom, in these lower dimensions, we can no longer perceive, our inner Earth family – there are so many beings to whom we are intimately connected – guides, angels, ascended masters, and the Source Creator. An ascended awareness allows us to remember these connections and to communicate directly with these beings.

Once we begin to ascend, our memories come flooding back. It takes time for us to adjust, for our bodies, our minds, our hearts. It is a process. It is impossible to remain the same. We can no longer be simply male or female. As we open up, remembering that we are connected intimately to all that  is, we can no longer be possessive. We must do much work to heal and work with the significant residues of fear, control, neglect, drama, abuse, violence, codependency, addiction which permeate our lives, our bodies, our families, our culture. This is a very intense and difficult process, and the work needs to be accomplished by each of us if we do wish to live at a higher level of consciousness.

codependency-Erika

Perhaps as we evolve, we will be able to simply connect to another human being from soul to soul. The apparent sexual orientation from birth may not matter at all, to anyone. Perhaps the physical body will evolve at some point to reflect this more fluid, less dualistic form of sexual identity. It remains to be seen. In any case, what I see of the current evolution of sexual identity and behavior is a reflection of the reintegration of the divine feminine and a new embrace of fluidity in the way we relate to self and others in the sacred union.

Lucien Freud painting

 

It is my hope that human beings will begin to more consciously revere self and one another as divine expressions of God’s creation. We are all creators of realities, and we are all unlimited. Self love and release of judgment are practices that can help us to heal and raise our frequencies from the lower dimensions of duality to a higher truth in which we all understand that we are all part of a single, living, conscious organism. No one and nothing is outside of us. The entirety of creation is contained within each of us. Male and female. We are all of the “races”, all of the animals, and the great diversity of Nature is contained within each of us. The potential to create whatever is in our hearts is unlimited. Once we decide to forgo the programming of family and culture, once we release our ancestors from the transmission of pain, addiction, drama, and codependency from one generation to the next, we can begin to live creative lives full of joy and abundance.

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One of the biggest keys in this time of transition and transformation is integration. We each need to do the work. To recognize the male and female in each of us. To face and embrace our shadows and all that we have voluntarily or involuntarily forgotten or hidden. To live aligned with our personal truth is the new sexuality, the new identity of the great shift. Alignment of the higher self with the human personality is the new source of wholeness and great joy. We no longer need to pursue “our other half” in a person of the opposite sex. Wholeness and all of the love, satisfaction, and joy are all within. This shift will allow us at last to truly love and appreciate self and one another. This work and realization is the necessary predecessor of peace on Earth. No more perfect love, no more enemies.

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The Comforts and Discomforts of Living Inside and Outside of the Box


shaker heights ohio

Dearest readers,

I recently finished reading an intriguing and thought provoking novel by Celeste Ng, called Little Fires Everywhere. Throughout the story, the author contrasts the life choices of two families. One is a single mother Mia, and her teen-aged daughter, Pearl, who live a nomadic and minimalist lifestyle. The mother is an artist, and they never stay in one spot very long. They own very few possessions. It isn’t until the end of the novel that we find out what inspired this fairly unconventional bohemian lifestyle for Mia and her daughter. I won’t go into the details of the story, which is very interesting and definitely worth reading. The contrasting family into which Mia and Pearl become involved are the Richardsons, who live a stereotypically privileged upper class white American life with their four children in Shaker Heights, Ohio, a town designed to resist change and to embody perfection.

 

 

The polarized choices of these families and their interactions bring out the reality that it is simply not so easy to reside entirely in one or the other “box”. The complexities of life and of being human force us to confront change, force us to evolve and to look into our own hearts to find our own truth, which does evolve throughout our lives.

Living out of a car

While I personally identify more closely with Mia, being a single mother and an artist as well, the novel forces me to look back over my own life and some of the choices I have made. Some choices locked me into the box of social convention, while others mercifully popped me out of that box.

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Human beings are creators by nature. I believe that it is freedom and flow that draw our hearts, while our egos seek security and the comfort of the known. We are all drawn into this dance when we face adulthood and the responsibilities of taking care of our families. As a single parent with a limited income and no family support, I have had to be very creative to bring abundance and richness of experience into my little family. I know from experience that a creative mind and a connected heart can make wonderful things happen. When we are open to the flow of life, magical connections help us to find the teachers, friends, books, travel arrangements, and whatever it is that we need or desire.

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I don’t believe that we should be forced to choose between the two. Since we have all chosen to incarnate in a lower dimensional realm in which we live in physical bodies, our need to sustain those bodies and to keep them housed, healthy, safe, clean is a real need. At the same time, we are all immortal immaterial beings of light whose only true and eternal preoccupation is promoting unconditional love and enjoying our existence as creators and manifestors of realities. Both are real aspects of who we all are.

As an artist and starseed, I have always been aware of my own need for freedom. I’ve never really wanted many material things, and I have never cared about status, promotions, celebrities, marriage, ownership of things. Until I was 32 years old (the age at which I became a mother), I owned almost nothing, and I always worked part-time. Being free to live my life as I chose, to be free to create, to dream, to read, and to enjoy life was my major preoccupation.

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Becoming a parent changed my life radically. Suddenly, the 3-D box seemed like something I needed to inhabit in order to give my son what he needed: safety, stability, comfort. A good environment in which he could grow up. Now he is in college in Finland. I feel that this choice has been one that combines the best of both worlds. He is studying tuition-free because of some important choices I made much earlier in life, which have allowed us a greater measure of freedom than most Americans enjoy.

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Families in the United States suffocate under a huge burden of debt, and we have almost no freedom to be creative, because all of our time is managed inside of the box. Americans are carefully conditioned since birth to be consumers and to be debtors. Most Americans believe that they live in a free country. This makes me laugh. America is a prison without walls, but with cameras and surveillance everywhere. Basically, most Americans willingly create their own prisons and live within them without even realizing they are not free, and without even realizing what freedom and power are.

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As the starseeds guide humanity towards awakening, an increasing number of human beings will begin to remember who we really are and why we are here on planet Earth at this time. The conventional lifestyle and the pursuits of comfort, safety, and status will, in the coming years, diminish significantly in importance as more and more people align their human, 3-D physical self with their higher dimensional soul identities. Once we know that we each create our own reality through the quality and clarity of our thoughts, emotions, and intentions – our consciousness – then living inside of a box will simply become laughable.

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Freedom cannot be achieved without truth, and the truth about our nature and abilities as human beings has been concealed from us, as has our true history, for many thousands of years. Until we have transformed our societies to match this truth, we will each have to come to terms with our own truth and our own identity. Throughout our known history, those who were awake and aware were most often persecuted and put to death, because true freedom was always suspicious. Those who usurped our power and who created the hierarchies who run the world today always wanted to make sure that we used our energy to pursue the artificial dreams and goals that they designed for us.

Now is the time to step out from under the giant thumbs of the global financial system, organized religion, government, and the military. We are creators, and we can all live amazing lives. We don’t need to be pulled and polarized. Dare to dream. This is definitely one of the messages transmitted in Celeste Ng’s second novel, Little Fires Everywhere. Be your true self. Even the fanciest box can’t protect you from the power and the design that your soul has created for your life. Mia dares to live her life as she sees fit, and she knows that all of the answers are inside of our own hearts.

 

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The Wounded Mother and bringing the truth to light: some thoughts for her and for her children


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Dearest readers,

Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. My mother has refused to speak to me for many years. The last time we exchanged words, she screamed at me over the phone, refusing to go to her own mother’s funeral. That was in April of 2007. I could not find a commercial Mother’s Day card that matches my true feelings for my mother, which are full of conflicting emotions including love, but also much pain, sorrow, frustration.

My mother is a wounded person. She bandages her pain, her fears, her memories in anger, denial, blame, and control. By denying whatever happened in her younger years that caused her so much pain, she has chosen to live her life by carefully controlling her environment and the people around her. My younger sister is nearly fifty years old. She never married or had children, and she lives at home with my mother, just to keep her love and remain part of the family. My mother did not succeed in controlling me and my life, and therefore, rather than face her own painful memories and use her relationship with her daughter to help heal herself, she chose to disown me and to blame me for every single bad thing that has happened in her life.

This has been her choice, and her choice to choose fear over love has crafted her destiny in this lifetime. This was her choice, and it has affected me in many ways. Some good, some very painful. Ultimately, I do believe that as souls having chosen to incarnate on Earth to experience a human lifetime, we all (without exception) know before we come here what kind of life we have chosen. The pain, the challenges, the loneliness, violence, abuse…even murder or death by calamity. They are all part of the curriculum. These challenges are also opportunities, allowing us each time they surface, to make a choice: fear or love?

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This morning, I woke up early. I am a single mom, and my only son is away at college, at the University of Helsinki, in Finland. He will be home soon for a few weeks, and I am very much looking forward to seeing him. But today, it is me and my dog, Ruby. Later today, I will meet up with friends. The Atlanta summer is beginning, and it gets too hot to get outdoors pretty early in the day. After showering and washing my hair, Ruby and I set out for our daily walk.

Ruby is a wounded dog. She is nervous and shy. She looks over her shoulder if someone is walking behind us on the sidewalk. She often barks at people or lunges at them if she doesn’t like their energy. Sometimes I honestly don’t know why she barks. She is afraid of ducks and flapping flags, and twigs that stick up out of the grass make her jump. She is a rescue pup, and despite lots of TLC, she is still wary and protective. She preemptively barks to keep people away, just in case. This preamble is for a purpose.

Little after we started walking, an older woman (maybe early 70’s) was walking in the opposite direction on the lake path, which is about four or five feet wide. I held Ruby’s leash with both hands. Ruby is a small to medium-sized dog, about 36 lbs. As the woman passed by us, Ruby very slightly lunged at her and she barked one time. The woman was startled and frightened. I had a firm hand on Ruby’s leash, and Ruby didn’t get anywhere near her.

The woman’s response reminded me of my mother. The woman first said that she was frightened, and I told her I was sorry. Then she said that Ruby is aggressive, and I told her, no, that Ruby is shy. She escalated, confirming to herself and to me that Ruby does not appear shy to her, that she is aggressive. Then she asked me for my first and last name. I told her, and I explained further that Ruby is a rescue and that people and even ducks often startle and frighten her. I could feel the fear and control energy coming off of this woman in waves. Generally, most people understand when dogs bark. Most people do not go to such lengths to express their unwillingness to live with any fear or discomfort in their lives.

I am always respectful of others, and I keep a distance from people, young children, and other dogs when I am with Ruby, because I know her well. She fears fearful people. With the instincts of an animal, she knows that fearful people are the most dangerous.

This experience got me thinking about my mom and about fear. I believe that most human beings on the planet today suffer from some form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Child abuse and neglect as well as domestic violence and addictive disorders are so common, that there are few families that do not experience them to a certain degree. We live in societies where people pretend to be “normal”, but I have yet to meet a person who does not come from a dysfunctional co-dependent family system.

Therefore, almost all mothers are wounded mothers. Some may be on the mending path, but most are holding in their pain. We live in a society where women are still the underclass. White “privileged” women like this older woman I encountered on the lake path do enjoy the ability to put into practice active denial throughout an entire lifetime. They can afford to live in gated communities and to shelter themselves from a wide variety of experiences which could potentially help them out of their denial of their own pain and fear, and which would trigger the healing process.

The privileged people of our societies are those in the most need of help. Every layer of our societies are full of pain, abuse, denial, anger, and fear. Until we stop and think about things and realize that we do have choices that we can make, this will continue. The cycle of abuse exists in every social class, without exception. For the rich and for the poor, and all of those in between, fear is always a choice. As is love. We can all step out of being victims whenever we want. We can all learn to love our self, and to stop living with shame, blame, denial. When we are ready, we take the step.

I was a wounded mom, but I have slowly healed myself. One day at a time, and there will always be more ways to learn to love, to expand into more loving. But at least I am now ready to enjoy my life. I learned to love myself, at great cost. For so much of my life, I have felt unworthy, because my own mother did not or could not love me, and because my father never strongly stood up for me or my siblings. He was too needy, and she was his own surrogate mother. Because they never bothered to heal their own emotional wounds and bodies, I carried around their pain for a while. I suppose healing was not part of their culture or their time. Then, when I realized that their pain, their shadows, their grief was not mine to carry, I let it go. My entire nuclear family continued to blame me for all of their problems, but I simply stayed away and let it go. It takes a lot of time and effort to consciously heal from sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, and from dysfunctional family systems.

By becoming consciously aware, we can choose love. I feel it is so important to stop perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Abusers are simply people who live in fear and who do not love themselves. They either passively become victims or abusers themselves. Conscious awareness of our thoughts, emotions, paying attention to our bodies, our dreams, how we choose our words and reactions in every single interaction with have with self and others is the only way to heal. We can heal our own emotional bodies, and we can release the abusive trend from our physical bodies, mental bodies, from our DNA, and from our ancestral lines. We can release all karma from our lives. All of this can be done by choice.

I cannot force my mother to heal. I can’t make her face her suppressed memories of abuse or of emotional pain or perceived neglect. I don’t know what happened to my mom, but my guess is that possibly her older brother sexually abused her and that her parents didn’t protect her, because they thought he was so smart, so amazing, that he could do no wrong. I don’t know this for a fact. It’s just a hunch. After all, why would a woman who is so smart, so pretty, who had everything going for her become such a bitter, angry, fearful, and hateful person – especially to her own child? Why would she feel the need to control her family if she didn’t feel the need to create a fortress of safety and predictability around herself?

In the third volume of Kristin Hannah’s book trilogy (Firefly Lane, True Colors, Fly Away), teen Marah has lost her mom to breast cancer. Marah is 16, and, a typical teen, she was often mean to her mom before she passed away. The guilt and fear she carries is translated into Marah cutting herself. She feels a sense of control when she cuts herself, and to be able to limit who hurts her and how she is hurt is why cutting herself is so cathartic to her.  “I am the only one who can hurt me. Only me.”

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If you come from a family in which there are secrets and hidden abuse, or if you keep wondering what happened to your mother and why it is affecting you, I highly recommend reading these novels. They are so insightful and full of love, pain, and redemption. I haven’t yet experienced the redemption part with my own mother, but just reading these books was very helpful for me. There are things I would like to know about my own childhood, and I wish I could ask my mother about them. I wish she would speak to me.

The wounded mother may think she is protecting her children by keeping her secrets close to her chest, but the children always carry and intuitively know these secrets. They re-embody the hidden trauma in their own lives, because light always seeks to emerge from shadows, and the soul always seeks healing and creates endless opportunities for us to learn to embrace ourselves and those who hurt us.

Being human on a third dimensional level of consciousness is messy, and it hurts. Wealthier people create a pretty veneer, an image of happiness and prosperity, behind which they can hide their abuse of self and others. Those with less financial prosperity may live lives full of crime, drama, drug or alcohol addiction.

Higher consciousness allows us, has allowed me, to extract myself from my past, from the victim mentality. From feeling worthless, from the endless self sabotage. My mother didn’t want her children to be successful, to be better than she was, and I’ve never held a great job nor have I had much of a career. For so many years, I believed (key word is believed), that I wasn’t good enough. Now I know that I am not a victim, and that I don’t have to always carry my mother’s wounds, or her mother’s wounds, nor even my own. Now I am finally making plans to do what I love and to know that I am not only capable, but that I have so much to offer. Holding back is depriving others of my gifts.

I can (and we all can) choose to set our intentions for our own destiny. To pick up the reins of our own life, and to let go of the past. We can forgive ourselves and those who chose fear over love. We can embody the type of life and love that helps to heal the world. Being a victim is not a destiny. It is a choice. Yes, we have been hurt. Yes, people have abused us when we were young, vulnerable, didn’t know any better. But on some level, we all chose these experiences, and we can choose to use them to make us stronger and more loving to self and others.

To all moms, to my mom: I love you. I know you are hurting, and I know society has told you to suck it up and to hold it in. I know society has told us all that men are superior to women and girls, and this, for now, still holds true. But this reality is collapsing as I write these words. The divine feminine is making her comeback, and the feminine in all things will be loved and revered once again on this planet. Sooner than you think.

To all children of abusive, depressed, angry, alcoholic, drug addict, incarcerated, self-destructive, violent, controlling moms: I love you. You are worthy, you are beautiful. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to do work that you love, and to be well compensated for that work. You deserve to be in relationships with kind, caring people who are responsible and well grounded. You can choose love every time someone tries to hurt you or take advantage of you. Be the captain of your destiny. You are an empowered, sovereign being of light.

We are all one family. Let’s heal together.

Happy Mother’s Day!

 

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Playing with toys to channel higher self


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Dearest readers,

There are many ways to connect to your subconscious mind, intuition, and what New Age teachings call your “higher self”. Today, many people publish YouTube or Facebook videos, blogs, vlogs, and charge money for personal or group sessions to either share channeled information or to assist others in their personal development and awakening process.

While I enjoy listening to and learning from the insights and experiences of other people, I also trust that my own life is unfolding according to its own blueprint. I have participated in a few groups and workshops. Not many.

In this post, I just wanted to share a very easy way to connect to higher self that I found many years ago. long before I ever discovered any materials about awakening, ascension, or the term higher self. It was just a way for me to connect to myself and to expand my inner life. This method is innate to all human beings, but we often leave it behind with childhood concerns as we mature. When I went to live in Paris to study art, I would take long walks all over the city, observing life, and often finding small objects which I would keep to incorporate into my paintings. I also collected small figurines and toys.

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I would arrange these toys and objects on a bookshelf. Like a composition in a painting, the arrangements of these objects, toys, and figurines would depict in amazingly accurate ways the answers to my most profound questions and concerns. I still use this form of play today. Without consciously thinking about what I want, I simply arrange the figurines. The higher self puts them together in a way that is perfect, representing my current mental, spiritual, and emotional state. When I become aware of the message and set the intention to move to the next level, all I need to do is to move the toys around, and presto! My understanding moves to the next level as I observe what my higher self just showed me.

 

For a specific example, I will share an epiphany I experienced at my desk at work this past week. For months, I had several Marge Simpson figures (one larger, the rest about two inches tall, two of which were holding their ears, and one of those which has a black cat crawling up its dress), a realistic plastic donkey, a family of three bears, a snake, and a Lisa Simpson figure playing the saxophone). In the initial scene I had set up, the Marge figures were each embraced by a bear. One of the Marge figures is holding binoculars and a bird book, but all of the birds are in her blue beehive hair. Behind the figurines, I had stuck a sketch of myself on a Post-It note placing a rock in a flower pot, while behind me a bird is hovering and a plant is growing. On another Post-It reads a quote that I had jotted down:

Facing the thing you don’t want to face is where your power is.

For months, I had been agonizing about leaving my full-time job, which I find boring and exhausting, and to replace it with a full-time art career, selling custom portraits. I hadn’t given any conscious thought to the toys or the placement of the quote or the little drawing. It simply dawned on me one day that the set-up that I had created was the perfect illustration of my predicament! The happiness which I seek is not where I am focusing my attention, and I am putting all of my energy into my fears (planting rocks, embracing bears (my personal symbol for living in fear), and giving my power away to the snake (the reptilian conditioning system of duality/fear/low frequency living in which we are all brought up and which seems to be the human condition – or does it have to be?)

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Basically, my heart wants to be free and to live in alignment with my higher self, but my ego/mind keeps pulling me back to the conditioned fear response. That is the predicament. The higher self brings in a wide angle perspective on the situation.

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When I moved the toys around again, the bigger Marge figurine became my higher self, her arms spread wide, to encompass the whole scene. I placed the bears together on one side of the table, in a stand off. The coiled snake was in the middle. The two Marges with their hands over their ears (not listening to their intuition, for whatever reason) were now leaning against the donkey. The Marge with the birds in her hair was turned to face the higher self Marge. And the Lisa playing the saxophone stood behind Marge with birds.

In this scenario, Marge (me) is realizing that it’s time to face my fears if I want, really really want, to take all of my power back and responsibly create the life I really want for myself. In order to face my fears (the bears), I become aware that the snake which lies between me and them, is my conditioning of which I must continue to become even more aware, and to continue to release all conditioned thoughts, feelings, responses. The Marge figurines with covered ears lean against the donkey, representing the stubbornness and refusal to listen to my inner guidance, and my perpetuation of my current situation, even though I hate it, because I am unwittingly still behaving like a robotic conditioned being, addicted to the fear/survival response.

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In the latest episode, as I become more aware that I haven’t truly been facing up to my greatest fears, I start to ask myself what those fears really are. Am I afraid of losing the stability  of a regular income? Sure I am. Am I afraid of losing my house or my car? Perhaps. Are these my greatest fears? I thought they were, but then I am not so sure that these are the factors which are preventing me from just jumping in and quitting my job. They are the so-called logical voices in our heads that have been put there by society, but I realized that my greatest fear is to be truly powerful, to be me, out in the open. That being powerful is somehow really dangerous and scary. Probably thousands of years of incarnations and the memories thereof that reside in my cellular memory (DNA) are constantly but unconsciously circulating through my system all of the time.

And so I knocked down all of the bears. They stayed on the right side of the desk. The donkey moved up and put its front hooves on the coiled snake. The two Marges with hands over ears lay down on the table, nose to nose, melding to one another in a mirror-image. All as Big Marge looks on, smiling, and Marge with birds looks straight at the drawing of me planting a rock and seeing the bird behind me. Going beyond conditioning, beyond fear. Facing that greatest fear. Finding my power inside me. The birds that are in my own hair.

Basically, no one has power over me, unless I give that power up to someone, something, some belief system, thought pattern, or emotion. It is up to me to change my inner landscape so that I can shift my “outer” experience of life in what we call the real world. Playing with toys is a great and fun way to experience your own inner landscape from moment to moment. Because it is always changing, and it is so easy to move toys and small objects around.

There are many ways to receive information from your higher self. Some people have a sense of knowing. Some hear information inside their heads. Some people write songs, some people make art, while others write or journal. We are all intuitive, and we all express ourselves and connect to our higher self or guidance system all the time, whether or not we are aware of it. Even if you don’t get messages from Jesus or archangels, or from some spiritual celebrity, it is really all the same. Because we are all part of a single energy system. No one is better or more important than anyone else, though some may be more spiritually evolved than others. It really doesn’t matter.

The most important thing is to enjoy life. To have fun and play. We have all been exhausted by the 3-D matrix system which surrounds us constantly with fear-mongering, abuse, manipulation, trickery, and violence. But I do believe that our true human nature is to be creative and to enjoy our life. We simply have allowed ourselves to be held hostage by an illusion of reality that has seemed so real that even those of us who perceived shreds of other possibilities have struggled to materialize those more creative experiences of life here on Earth.

It is getting easier to shrug off the old way of being as more and more people around the planet share their experiences. Now we know that we are not alone, even thought we may not know many people who are like us in our immediate sphere. The gift of the Internet allows us to share experiences and to encourage one another. I am so thankful for this amazing tool! So have fun, and get to know your true self. I hope this intuitive technique is helpful to you on your inner journey to freedom!

 

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