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Beyond the shadow of doubt: transformation of beliefs


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Dearest readers,

Doubt is an integral part of the human experience. When we choose to incarnate on Earth, we choose separation from our true identity, which is love, unity, peace, and joy. We choose victimhood, or else we choose to be tyrants. We come to Earth to experience pain, fear, lack, and duality. Why in the world would anyone want to come to Earth, in spite of how beautiful and diverse our planet is?

When a higher level soul or being decides to incarnate on Earth in order to assist humanity or the consciousness of the planet, a step-down process is necessary in order to be born into a human body. The dimension of consciousness present on Earth requires that a soul be broken or “shattered” as many describe it, in order to lose sight of and faith in the beauty and unity of truth. Once the soul is broken and has lived lifetimes as both a victim and a perpetrator of terror, the soul can then embark on the reverse journey of healing and repair. Essentially remembering who we were before being shattered and bringing this healing energy of unity, trust, faith, beauty, health, peace, and serenity back to a world that has been endlessly torn apart by war, judgment, pain, cruelty, shame, and betrayal.

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Doubt in myself is something that has haunted me this entire lifetime. The shattering did its job on me, to be sure. I have spent years carefully reassembling the pieces of my heart, and yet I still find myself terrified of being at the mercy of other human beings. I know of unity and integration, and the alchemy of healing, clearing, and transformation of energies. The shadows are part of the mandala that is our existence as much as the light.

I lead a fairly solitary life. While being connected to others appeals to me, and I do have friends, I find it challenging to be really close to others. Being human does not come naturally to me. If, like me, you know yourself to be a starseed, you know what I mean. Competition and the hierarchies at work, admiring and following celebrities, needing likes on social media, belonging…all of these things feel foreign to me. Gatherings and parties, religion, communities and groups…I just never really feel like I belong to any of them.

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Yet I know I came to Earth for a purpose, and that this purpose is to assist humanity, the  planet and all of her creatures and elements to ascend to a higher level of consciousness. I am here to assist others in their process if they so desire. I am here to transmute lower frequency energies in the air, the water, the soil, in the plants, animals, and insects as well as the disease and toxins in our bodies into higher frequencies. I do this in the privacy of my backyard and inside my house.

Living a human life in full alignment with my true self is my heart’s greatest desire. Yet the work I want to do seems to elude me. How to make a living making art and helping others to heal themselves without being a master marketer? How to be in the ease and flow of trust, of letting go and receiving the synchronicities born of living flow that is life? Each time I create a business, write a blog post, the customers and readers seem distant, silent. I never know if I touch hearts and minds, no matter how much I try. And I do try, over and over again, without too much expectation. Because it is more important to keep giving than to give into doubt and despair. As long as there remains a shadow of doubt, there is enough doubt remaining to prevent access to the higher dimensional experiences of unconditional love and connection.

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Doubt and low self-esteem are a mark of lack. Lack of self-love, lack of confidence. Yet I was born by choice (I believe) into a family and into a life that repeatedly beat me up emotionally, cast me out. So that I could choose to become strong and not seek out love and support from others. So that eventually I would know myself as a powerful creator or realities and an endless source of unconditional love. Well, I’m still working on it.

For the last couple of years, I have wanted to quit my conventional job. The job that pays the bills. So that I can paint and write full-time. Because I haven’t yet experienced financial rewards from my artistic endeavors, doubt continues to haunt me. Is my belief system firmly anchored in the social illusion that one must give one’s time, energy, and lifeblood away doing work that one does not enjoy in order to receive sufficient funds to keep a roof over one’s head?

The ultimate question that doubt poses to me is this:

Can I trust myself?

I know that I, that each of us creates our own experience of reality. Our thoughts and beliefs from one minute to the next also reinforce or transform our collective experience of reality. Each time I invest in fear and continue to stay employed at a job that helps me to take care of my son in college, to pay my mortgage and car payment, to keep food in the fridge and the utility bills paid, I am reinforcing the status quo. Keeping myself in limbo, as it were. So how do I step into the unknown? How do I let go? How do I trust myself and stop behaving like a victim? How do I create with confidence and abundant self-love, the reality I truly wish to experience?

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To be honest, I don’t yet have the answer to this question. I suppose a point of readiness will be reached, and I will make a decision. When I was five years old, I was thrown in a pool by an adult at a summer camp. I did not know how to swim, and it was a traumatic experience. One day, at the age of 30, if I remember correctly, I was walking past the municipal pool in Noisy-le-Grand, a suburb of Paris where I used to live. I had walked by that building many, many times. But on that particular day, I decided to walk into that building and inquire about the cost of swimming lessons. I purchased ten lessons, and I committed myself to learn the basics of swimming. When it came to jumping into the pool, the lifeguard, Vincent, was very kind. He held my hand. But, ultimately, I jumped into the pool alone. And I didn’t drown. I didn’t die. My body floated up to the surface of the water, as bodies tend to do.

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How do we know when we are ready to live in love with ourselves and to cast aside fear and doubt? I believe that we are our own ultimate lovers.  We alone can fulfill all of the neediness we feel inside. No one and nothing else can solve the issue of empowerment. We all came to Earth to experience loneliness, separation, fear, shame, judgment. Some of us have suffered so much over so many lifetimes, it is hard to imagine how we can heal from these experiences. Ultimately, being broken into a million pieces over many lifetimes teaches us unconditional love of self and others. We’ve all been there, and once we attempt to stop judging self and others, we can cherish and understand how much we have all been through and how strong and brave we all are.

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I raised my son by myself, with no family, no father. Having to hold everything together with limited finances. I am proud to have raised a son who is kind, smart, and a great student. He works two jobs to help put himself through school in Finland, while I do everything I can to support him. And now it’s my time to shine. To climb out from under the rock of sacrifice and realize that I am responsible for my own life and what I do with it. There is still a lot I want to do. No one is going to save me. I think it’s time to think about what I really want. To really believe in that vision. Beyond the shadow of any doubt.

Photos in this post taken during my recent trip to Helsinki, Finland. The first two photos are at Weegee, depicting Futuro, a space age house designed in the 1960’s by Finnish architect Matti Suuronen. It is part of the Espoo contemporary art museum, EMMA, and this year is the 50th anniversary of the Futuro house. The last photo is in Porvoo, Finland, depicting a monument commemorating the 200th anniversary of the Diet of Porvoo, establishing the Grand Principality of Finland in 1809. The art in the fifth picture from the top is a tapestry by British artist, Grayson Perry, exhibited on the fifth floor of the Kiasma contemporary art museum in Helsinki. The floating figures are at the Senate Square at the Helsinki Cathedral in a performance celebrating the Night of the Arts.

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Ascension, Unity, and Sexuality: the blurring of gender and the global shift to a higher level of consciousness


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Dearest readers,

It is impossible to ignore the vast changes in human sexual identity over the last several years. You might say that human sexuality has always been extremely diverse as well as heavily regulated by culture. Today, it is simply the lifting of social and moral restrictions that has allowed what has always existed primarily in the shadows to be seen and expressed without being forced into hiding. This is true in many ways, and the integration of what has been suppressed and forced into the shadowy realms of the subconscious in the individual and the collective unconscious of humanity is a key aspect of the ascension process.

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For those who are not familiar with the term “ascension”, it simply indicates that we, as human beings, are in the process of very quickly evolving from a lower level of consciousness to a higher one. What is extremely unique about the era in which we are living is that we are now able to ascend with our physical bodies. While there are Biblical stories of individuals who ascended with their physical bodies, never before has an entire generation of human beings had the opportunity to ascend without the transition of death.

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Our current paradigm, which has been accepted as truth and the nature of reality for many thousands of years, is now shifting. A world based on duality and separation: male and female, good and bad, light and dark is now unifying. That which has been hidden is coming to light. This is why we are observing so much turmoil. What was always there: sex trafficking, human slavery, pedophilia, political corruption, the greed and extreme dishonesty of the elites, the fact that the whole of humanity has been enslaved, manipulated through mind control and propaganda, “dumbed down”, and tricked into submission through a clever and complex agenda of fear is now becoming apparent to an ever increasing number of people.

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Most of these “secrets” have been hidden in plain sight. It is our increasing awareness that makes them easier to perceive as well as transforming our hearts, making us no longer willing to accept the horrors of the enforced reality. Cognitive dissonance is increasingly difficult to live with as we move into alignment with our higher aspects.

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It was always here with us, but we didn’t see it. The system which we accepted as “reality” was always dark and was always controlling us, but the frequency of the energies on Earth at the time allowed duality to flourish until the procession of time, which is always moving in cycles, allowed us both individually and collectively to shift our consciousness and to perceive what has been hidden from us. This shift also allows us to progressively “wake up” and remember who we once were. Our powers as human beings: telepathy, psychic abilities, levitation and flight, telekinesis – these and many others, which we have ascribed to “super heroes” are in fact our own normal higher dimensional abilities.

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So what is the sexuality of higher dimensional beings? As third-dimensional Earth-bound organic or physical beings, we are in the body as male or female, and sometimes hermaphrodite. The “opposites” attract to form a whole. Yet in the ascension process, the separation between individuals, the divisions between our chakras or energy centers are blending and blurring. Unification means removal of the barriers or divisions between us. As we ascend, we embody wholeness in and of ourselves, whether our physical body is male or female – we realize that we are not incomplete as such. We are becoming lighter, embodying more light, living more and more from our hearts, which are the true source of our power and connection to the Source Creator.

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Since there are most likely an infinite number of dimensions, and as humans, we are still organic beings, we won’t in the immediate be transforming into sexless orbs of light who do not need the mechanism of sexual reproduction in order to multiply. Because we are beings connected to the consciousness of the Earth while simultaneously living with the higher dimensions of our soul, we are the embodiment of an agreement to exist as spirit within the density of flesh, blood, bone, and tissue.

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I have read that our energy systems are evolving to form a single column of white light, connecting us through our root or feet to the core of Gaia, our Mother Earth, at one end, and to the infinite stretches of the multiverse, as we receive light through our crowns. In other words, our ascension to unity from separation is bringing us increased flow and fluidity.

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The culture of darkness in which we have collectively voluntarily or involuntarily joined the experience for the last few thousand years has become increasingly head-based and dominated by masculinity. We see a dominant reverence for science and technology and a relative scorn for the arts, a disdain for motherhood and the softer aspects of being human.  The innate respect for all life, the Earth, and for our connection to one another, to all of creation and its creatures which is familiar to all of the indigenous peoples of the Earth has been suppressed. We are, in ascension, experiencing the resurfacing of the divine feminine, which is very fluid in its expression.

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Carl Jung, one of the great fathers of modern psychology, was, unlike his mentor and sometimes nemesis Sigmund Freud, extremely interested in intuition and the balance of masculine and feminine. He likened the healing of the psyche to alchemy, and the integration of the shadow, or the energies suppressed by the conscious mind because of fear or trauma, to the mandala, which we see across all cultures in many different art forms.

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The mandala represents the totality of all being. We could call it a visual representation of God, which is the sum of everything that is – energy and consciousness in a pattern of opposites, colors, and geometric patterns, much like a kaleidoscope. We see these patterns in all cultures – from the rose windows of the Gothic cathedrals to abstractions in traditional Mosque architecture and mosaics. When we integrate all parts of our shadow – things about ourselves that we were not able to consciously accept and love, then our own self becomes a mandala.

 

 

In public life today, sexuality and the body are most often represented as the whole of who we are. We are taught by the culture and media to identify with our body and personality as the entirety of who we are, when nothing could be further from the truth. From a more unified perspective, in which there is a tension holding in balance the male and female parts of self and soul, we are each much larger and expansive than we could ever imagine.

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I believe the ascension process, as we collectively rise in consciousness, is allowing us to remember who we are as multidimensional spiritual beings as well as beings connected to the consciousness of the planet. Together, with the plants, animals, the air, water, soil, to the beings whom we have forgotten and forsaken – our extraterrestrial or star families, the elementals or nature spirits of Gaia with whom humans were once familiar and whom, in these lower dimensions, we can no longer perceive, our inner Earth family – there are so many beings to whom we are intimately connected – guides, angels, ascended masters, and the Source Creator. An ascended awareness allows us to remember these connections and to communicate directly with these beings.

Once we begin to ascend, our memories come flooding back. It takes time for us to adjust, for our bodies, our minds, our hearts. It is a process. It is impossible to remain the same. We can no longer be simply male or female. As we open up, remembering that we are connected intimately to all that  is, we can no longer be possessive. We must do much work to heal and work with the significant residues of fear, control, neglect, drama, abuse, violence, codependency, addiction which permeate our lives, our bodies, our families, our culture. This is a very intense and difficult process, and the work needs to be accomplished by each of us if we do wish to live at a higher level of consciousness.

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Perhaps as we evolve, we will be able to simply connect to another human being from soul to soul. The apparent sexual orientation from birth may not matter at all, to anyone. Perhaps the physical body will evolve at some point to reflect this more fluid, less dualistic form of sexual identity. It remains to be seen. In any case, what I see of the current evolution of sexual identity and behavior is a reflection of the reintegration of the divine feminine and a new embrace of fluidity in the way we relate to self and others in the sacred union.

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It is my hope that human beings will begin to more consciously revere self and one another as divine expressions of God’s creation. We are all creators of realities, and we are all unlimited. Self love and release of judgment are practices that can help us to heal and raise our frequencies from the lower dimensions of duality to a higher truth in which we all understand that we are all part of a single, living, conscious organism. No one and nothing is outside of us. The entirety of creation is contained within each of us. Male and female. We are all of the “races”, all of the animals, and the great diversity of Nature is contained within each of us. The potential to create whatever is in our hearts is unlimited. Once we decide to forgo the programming of family and culture, once we release our ancestors from the transmission of pain, addiction, drama, and codependency from one generation to the next, we can begin to live creative lives full of joy and abundance.

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One of the biggest keys in this time of transition and transformation is integration. We each need to do the work. To recognize the male and female in each of us. To face and embrace our shadows and all that we have voluntarily or involuntarily forgotten or hidden. To live aligned with our personal truth is the new sexuality, the new identity of the great shift. Alignment of the higher self with the human personality is the new source of wholeness and great joy. We no longer need to pursue “our other half” in a person of the opposite sex. Wholeness and all of the love, satisfaction, and joy are all within. This shift will allow us at last to truly love and appreciate self and one another. This work and realization is the necessary predecessor of peace on Earth. No more perfect love, no more enemies.

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The Comforts and Discomforts of Living Inside and Outside of the Box


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Dearest readers,

I recently finished reading an intriguing and thought provoking novel by Celeste Ng, called Little Fires Everywhere. Throughout the story, the author contrasts the life choices of two families. One is a single mother Mia, and her teen-aged daughter, Pearl, who live a nomadic and minimalist lifestyle. The mother is an artist, and they never stay in one spot very long. They own very few possessions. It isn’t until the end of the novel that we find out what inspired this fairly unconventional bohemian lifestyle for Mia and her daughter. I won’t go into the details of the story, which is very interesting and definitely worth reading. The contrasting family into which Mia and Pearl become involved are the Richardsons, who live a stereotypically privileged upper class white American life with their four children in Shaker Heights, Ohio, a town designed to resist change and to embody perfection.

 

 

The polarized choices of these families and their interactions bring out the reality that it is simply not so easy to reside entirely in one or the other “box”. The complexities of life and of being human force us to confront change, force us to evolve and to look into our own hearts to find our own truth, which does evolve throughout our lives.

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While I personally identify more closely with Mia, being a single mother and an artist as well, the novel forces me to look back over my own life and some of the choices I have made. Some choices locked me into the box of social convention, while others mercifully popped me out of that box.

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Human beings are creators by nature. I believe that it is freedom and flow that draw our hearts, while our egos seek security and the comfort of the known. We are all drawn into this dance when we face adulthood and the responsibilities of taking care of our families. As a single parent with a limited income and no family support, I have had to be very creative to bring abundance and richness of experience into my little family. I know from experience that a creative mind and a connected heart can make wonderful things happen. When we are open to the flow of life, magical connections help us to find the teachers, friends, books, travel arrangements, and whatever it is that we need or desire.

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I don’t believe that we should be forced to choose between the two. Since we have all chosen to incarnate in a lower dimensional realm in which we live in physical bodies, our need to sustain those bodies and to keep them housed, healthy, safe, clean is a real need. At the same time, we are all immortal immaterial beings of light whose only true and eternal preoccupation is promoting unconditional love and enjoying our existence as creators and manifestors of realities. Both are real aspects of who we all are.

As an artist and starseed, I have always been aware of my own need for freedom. I’ve never really wanted many material things, and I have never cared about status, promotions, celebrities, marriage, ownership of things. Until I was 32 years old (the age at which I became a mother), I owned almost nothing, and I always worked part-time. Being free to live my life as I chose, to be free to create, to dream, to read, and to enjoy life was my major preoccupation.

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Becoming a parent changed my life radically. Suddenly, the 3-D box seemed like something I needed to inhabit in order to give my son what he needed: safety, stability, comfort. A good environment in which he could grow up. Now he is in college in Finland. I feel that this choice has been one that combines the best of both worlds. He is studying tuition-free because of some important choices I made much earlier in life, which have allowed us a greater measure of freedom than most Americans enjoy.

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Families in the United States suffocate under a huge burden of debt, and we have almost no freedom to be creative, because all of our time is managed inside of the box. Americans are carefully conditioned since birth to be consumers and to be debtors. Most Americans believe that they live in a free country. This makes me laugh. America is a prison without walls, but with cameras and surveillance everywhere. Basically, most Americans willingly create their own prisons and live within them without even realizing they are not free, and without even realizing what freedom and power are.

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As the starseeds guide humanity towards awakening, an increasing number of human beings will begin to remember who we really are and why we are here on planet Earth at this time. The conventional lifestyle and the pursuits of comfort, safety, and status will, in the coming years, diminish significantly in importance as more and more people align their human, 3-D physical self with their higher dimensional soul identities. Once we know that we each create our own reality through the quality and clarity of our thoughts, emotions, and intentions – our consciousness – then living inside of a box will simply become laughable.

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Freedom cannot be achieved without truth, and the truth about our nature and abilities as human beings has been concealed from us, as has our true history, for many thousands of years. Until we have transformed our societies to match this truth, we will each have to come to terms with our own truth and our own identity. Throughout our known history, those who were awake and aware were most often persecuted and put to death, because true freedom was always suspicious. Those who usurped our power and who created the hierarchies who run the world today always wanted to make sure that we used our energy to pursue the artificial dreams and goals that they designed for us.

Now is the time to step out from under the giant thumbs of the global financial system, organized religion, government, and the military. We are creators, and we can all live amazing lives. We don’t need to be pulled and polarized. Dare to dream. This is definitely one of the messages transmitted in Celeste Ng’s second novel, Little Fires Everywhere. Be your true self. Even the fanciest box can’t protect you from the power and the design that your soul has created for your life. Mia dares to live her life as she sees fit, and she knows that all of the answers are inside of our own hearts.

 

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The Wounded Mother and bringing the truth to light: some thoughts for her and for her children


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Dearest readers,

Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. My mother has refused to speak to me for many years. The last time we exchanged words, she screamed at me over the phone, refusing to go to her own mother’s funeral. That was in April of 2007. I could not find a commercial Mother’s Day card that matches my true feelings for my mother, which are full of conflicting emotions including love, but also much pain, sorrow, frustration.

My mother is a wounded person. She bandages her pain, her fears, her memories in anger, denial, blame, and control. By denying whatever happened in her younger years that caused her so much pain, she has chosen to live her life by carefully controlling her environment and the people around her. My younger sister is nearly fifty years old. She never married or had children, and she lives at home with my mother, just to keep her love and remain part of the family. My mother did not succeed in controlling me and my life, and therefore, rather than face her own painful memories and use her relationship with her daughter to help heal herself, she chose to disown me and to blame me for every single bad thing that has happened in her life.

This has been her choice, and her choice to choose fear over love has crafted her destiny in this lifetime. This was her choice, and it has affected me in many ways. Some good, some very painful. Ultimately, I do believe that as souls having chosen to incarnate on Earth to experience a human lifetime, we all (without exception) know before we come here what kind of life we have chosen. The pain, the challenges, the loneliness, violence, abuse…even murder or death by calamity. They are all part of the curriculum. These challenges are also opportunities, allowing us each time they surface, to make a choice: fear or love?

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This morning, I woke up early. I am a single mom, and my only son is away at college, at the University of Helsinki, in Finland. He will be home soon for a few weeks, and I am very much looking forward to seeing him. But today, it is me and my dog, Ruby. Later today, I will meet up with friends. The Atlanta summer is beginning, and it gets too hot to get outdoors pretty early in the day. After showering and washing my hair, Ruby and I set out for our daily walk.

Ruby is a wounded dog. She is nervous and shy. She looks over her shoulder if someone is walking behind us on the sidewalk. She often barks at people or lunges at them if she doesn’t like their energy. Sometimes I honestly don’t know why she barks. She is afraid of ducks and flapping flags, and twigs that stick up out of the grass make her jump. She is a rescue pup, and despite lots of TLC, she is still wary and protective. She preemptively barks to keep people away, just in case. This preamble is for a purpose.

Little after we started walking, an older woman (maybe early 70’s) was walking in the opposite direction on the lake path, which is about four or five feet wide. I held Ruby’s leash with both hands. Ruby is a small to medium-sized dog, about 36 lbs. As the woman passed by us, Ruby very slightly lunged at her and she barked one time. The woman was startled and frightened. I had a firm hand on Ruby’s leash, and Ruby didn’t get anywhere near her.

The woman’s response reminded me of my mother. The woman first said that she was frightened, and I told her I was sorry. Then she said that Ruby is aggressive, and I told her, no, that Ruby is shy. She escalated, confirming to herself and to me that Ruby does not appear shy to her, that she is aggressive. Then she asked me for my first and last name. I told her, and I explained further that Ruby is a rescue and that people and even ducks often startle and frighten her. I could feel the fear and control energy coming off of this woman in waves. Generally, most people understand when dogs bark. Most people do not go to such lengths to express their unwillingness to live with any fear or discomfort in their lives.

I am always respectful of others, and I keep a distance from people, young children, and other dogs when I am with Ruby, because I know her well. She fears fearful people. With the instincts of an animal, she knows that fearful people are the most dangerous.

This experience got me thinking about my mom and about fear. I believe that most human beings on the planet today suffer from some form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Child abuse and neglect as well as domestic violence and addictive disorders are so common, that there are few families that do not experience them to a certain degree. We live in societies where people pretend to be “normal”, but I have yet to meet a person who does not come from a dysfunctional co-dependent family system.

Therefore, almost all mothers are wounded mothers. Some may be on the mending path, but most are holding in their pain. We live in a society where women are still the underclass. White “privileged” women like this older woman I encountered on the lake path do enjoy the ability to put into practice active denial throughout an entire lifetime. They can afford to live in gated communities and to shelter themselves from a wide variety of experiences which could potentially help them out of their denial of their own pain and fear, and which would trigger the healing process.

The privileged people of our societies are those in the most need of help. Every layer of our societies are full of pain, abuse, denial, anger, and fear. Until we stop and think about things and realize that we do have choices that we can make, this will continue. The cycle of abuse exists in every social class, without exception. For the rich and for the poor, and all of those in between, fear is always a choice. As is love. We can all step out of being victims whenever we want. We can all learn to love our self, and to stop living with shame, blame, denial. When we are ready, we take the step.

I was a wounded mom, but I have slowly healed myself. One day at a time, and there will always be more ways to learn to love, to expand into more loving. But at least I am now ready to enjoy my life. I learned to love myself, at great cost. For so much of my life, I have felt unworthy, because my own mother did not or could not love me, and because my father never strongly stood up for me or my siblings. He was too needy, and she was his own surrogate mother. Because they never bothered to heal their own emotional wounds and bodies, I carried around their pain for a while. I suppose healing was not part of their culture or their time. Then, when I realized that their pain, their shadows, their grief was not mine to carry, I let it go. My entire nuclear family continued to blame me for all of their problems, but I simply stayed away and let it go. It takes a lot of time and effort to consciously heal from sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, and from dysfunctional family systems.

By becoming consciously aware, we can choose love. I feel it is so important to stop perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Abusers are simply people who live in fear and who do not love themselves. They either passively become victims or abusers themselves. Conscious awareness of our thoughts, emotions, paying attention to our bodies, our dreams, how we choose our words and reactions in every single interaction with have with self and others is the only way to heal. We can heal our own emotional bodies, and we can release the abusive trend from our physical bodies, mental bodies, from our DNA, and from our ancestral lines. We can release all karma from our lives. All of this can be done by choice.

I cannot force my mother to heal. I can’t make her face her suppressed memories of abuse or of emotional pain or perceived neglect. I don’t know what happened to my mom, but my guess is that possibly her older brother sexually abused her and that her parents didn’t protect her, because they thought he was so smart, so amazing, that he could do no wrong. I don’t know this for a fact. It’s just a hunch. After all, why would a woman who is so smart, so pretty, who had everything going for her become such a bitter, angry, fearful, and hateful person – especially to her own child? Why would she feel the need to control her family if she didn’t feel the need to create a fortress of safety and predictability around herself?

In the third volume of Kristin Hannah’s book trilogy (Firefly Lane, True Colors, Fly Away), teen Marah has lost her mom to breast cancer. Marah is 16, and, a typical teen, she was often mean to her mom before she passed away. The guilt and fear she carries is translated into Marah cutting herself. She feels a sense of control when she cuts herself, and to be able to limit who hurts her and how she is hurt is why cutting herself is so cathartic to her.  “I am the only one who can hurt me. Only me.”

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If you come from a family in which there are secrets and hidden abuse, or if you keep wondering what happened to your mother and why it is affecting you, I highly recommend reading these novels. They are so insightful and full of love, pain, and redemption. I haven’t yet experienced the redemption part with my own mother, but just reading these books was very helpful for me. There are things I would like to know about my own childhood, and I wish I could ask my mother about them. I wish she would speak to me.

The wounded mother may think she is protecting her children by keeping her secrets close to her chest, but the children always carry and intuitively know these secrets. They re-embody the hidden trauma in their own lives, because light always seeks to emerge from shadows, and the soul always seeks healing and creates endless opportunities for us to learn to embrace ourselves and those who hurt us.

Being human on a third dimensional level of consciousness is messy, and it hurts. Wealthier people create a pretty veneer, an image of happiness and prosperity, behind which they can hide their abuse of self and others. Those with less financial prosperity may live lives full of crime, drama, drug or alcohol addiction.

Higher consciousness allows us, has allowed me, to extract myself from my past, from the victim mentality. From feeling worthless, from the endless self sabotage. My mother didn’t want her children to be successful, to be better than she was, and I’ve never held a great job nor have I had much of a career. For so many years, I believed (key word is believed), that I wasn’t good enough. Now I know that I am not a victim, and that I don’t have to always carry my mother’s wounds, or her mother’s wounds, nor even my own. Now I am finally making plans to do what I love and to know that I am not only capable, but that I have so much to offer. Holding back is depriving others of my gifts.

I can (and we all can) choose to set our intentions for our own destiny. To pick up the reins of our own life, and to let go of the past. We can forgive ourselves and those who chose fear over love. We can embody the type of life and love that helps to heal the world. Being a victim is not a destiny. It is a choice. Yes, we have been hurt. Yes, people have abused us when we were young, vulnerable, didn’t know any better. But on some level, we all chose these experiences, and we can choose to use them to make us stronger and more loving to self and others.

To all moms, to my mom: I love you. I know you are hurting, and I know society has told you to suck it up and to hold it in. I know society has told us all that men are superior to women and girls, and this, for now, still holds true. But this reality is collapsing as I write these words. The divine feminine is making her comeback, and the feminine in all things will be loved and revered once again on this planet. Sooner than you think.

To all children of abusive, depressed, angry, alcoholic, drug addict, incarcerated, self-destructive, violent, controlling moms: I love you. You are worthy, you are beautiful. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to do work that you love, and to be well compensated for that work. You deserve to be in relationships with kind, caring people who are responsible and well grounded. You can choose love every time someone tries to hurt you or take advantage of you. Be the captain of your destiny. You are an empowered, sovereign being of light.

We are all one family. Let’s heal together.

Happy Mother’s Day!

 

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Playing with toys to channel higher self


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Dearest readers,

There are many ways to connect to your subconscious mind, intuition, and what New Age teachings call your “higher self”. Today, many people publish YouTube or Facebook videos, blogs, vlogs, and charge money for personal or group sessions to either share channeled information or to assist others in their personal development and awakening process.

While I enjoy listening to and learning from the insights and experiences of other people, I also trust that my own life is unfolding according to its own blueprint. I have participated in a few groups and workshops. Not many.

In this post, I just wanted to share a very easy way to connect to higher self that I found many years ago. long before I ever discovered any materials about awakening, ascension, or the term higher self. It was just a way for me to connect to myself and to expand my inner life. This method is innate to all human beings, but we often leave it behind with childhood concerns as we mature. When I went to live in Paris to study art, I would take long walks all over the city, observing life, and often finding small objects which I would keep to incorporate into my paintings. I also collected small figurines and toys.

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I would arrange these toys and objects on a bookshelf. Like a composition in a painting, the arrangements of these objects, toys, and figurines would depict in amazingly accurate ways the answers to my most profound questions and concerns. I still use this form of play today. Without consciously thinking about what I want, I simply arrange the figurines. The higher self puts them together in a way that is perfect, representing my current mental, spiritual, and emotional state. When I become aware of the message and set the intention to move to the next level, all I need to do is to move the toys around, and presto! My understanding moves to the next level as I observe what my higher self just showed me.

 

For a specific example, I will share an epiphany I experienced at my desk at work this past week. For months, I had several Marge Simpson figures (one larger, the rest about two inches tall, two of which were holding their ears, and one of those which has a black cat crawling up its dress), a realistic plastic donkey, a family of three bears, a snake, and a Lisa Simpson figure playing the saxophone). In the initial scene I had set up, the Marge figures were each embraced by a bear. One of the Marge figures is holding binoculars and a bird book, but all of the birds are in her blue beehive hair. Behind the figurines, I had stuck a sketch of myself on a Post-It note placing a rock in a flower pot, while behind me a bird is hovering and a plant is growing. On another Post-It reads a quote that I had jotted down:

Facing the thing you don’t want to face is where your power is.

For months, I had been agonizing about leaving my full-time job, which I find boring and exhausting, and to replace it with a full-time art career, selling custom portraits. I hadn’t given any conscious thought to the toys or the placement of the quote or the little drawing. It simply dawned on me one day that the set-up that I had created was the perfect illustration of my predicament! The happiness which I seek is not where I am focusing my attention, and I am putting all of my energy into my fears (planting rocks, embracing bears (my personal symbol for living in fear), and giving my power away to the snake (the reptilian conditioning system of duality/fear/low frequency living in which we are all brought up and which seems to be the human condition – or does it have to be?)

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Basically, my heart wants to be free and to live in alignment with my higher self, but my ego/mind keeps pulling me back to the conditioned fear response. That is the predicament. The higher self brings in a wide angle perspective on the situation.

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When I moved the toys around again, the bigger Marge figurine became my higher self, her arms spread wide, to encompass the whole scene. I placed the bears together on one side of the table, in a stand off. The coiled snake was in the middle. The two Marges with their hands over their ears (not listening to their intuition, for whatever reason) were now leaning against the donkey. The Marge with the birds in her hair was turned to face the higher self Marge. And the Lisa playing the saxophone stood behind Marge with birds.

In this scenario, Marge (me) is realizing that it’s time to face my fears if I want, really really want, to take all of my power back and responsibly create the life I really want for myself. In order to face my fears (the bears), I become aware that the snake which lies between me and them, is my conditioning of which I must continue to become even more aware, and to continue to release all conditioned thoughts, feelings, responses. The Marge figurines with covered ears lean against the donkey, representing the stubbornness and refusal to listen to my inner guidance, and my perpetuation of my current situation, even though I hate it, because I am unwittingly still behaving like a robotic conditioned being, addicted to the fear/survival response.

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In the latest episode, as I become more aware that I haven’t truly been facing up to my greatest fears, I start to ask myself what those fears really are. Am I afraid of losing the stability  of a regular income? Sure I am. Am I afraid of losing my house or my car? Perhaps. Are these my greatest fears? I thought they were, but then I am not so sure that these are the factors which are preventing me from just jumping in and quitting my job. They are the so-called logical voices in our heads that have been put there by society, but I realized that my greatest fear is to be truly powerful, to be me, out in the open. That being powerful is somehow really dangerous and scary. Probably thousands of years of incarnations and the memories thereof that reside in my cellular memory (DNA) are constantly but unconsciously circulating through my system all of the time.

And so I knocked down all of the bears. They stayed on the right side of the desk. The donkey moved up and put its front hooves on the coiled snake. The two Marges with hands over ears lay down on the table, nose to nose, melding to one another in a mirror-image. All as Big Marge looks on, smiling, and Marge with birds looks straight at the drawing of me planting a rock and seeing the bird behind me. Going beyond conditioning, beyond fear. Facing that greatest fear. Finding my power inside me. The birds that are in my own hair.

Basically, no one has power over me, unless I give that power up to someone, something, some belief system, thought pattern, or emotion. It is up to me to change my inner landscape so that I can shift my “outer” experience of life in what we call the real world. Playing with toys is a great and fun way to experience your own inner landscape from moment to moment. Because it is always changing, and it is so easy to move toys and small objects around.

There are many ways to receive information from your higher self. Some people have a sense of knowing. Some hear information inside their heads. Some people write songs, some people make art, while others write or journal. We are all intuitive, and we all express ourselves and connect to our higher self or guidance system all the time, whether or not we are aware of it. Even if you don’t get messages from Jesus or archangels, or from some spiritual celebrity, it is really all the same. Because we are all part of a single energy system. No one is better or more important than anyone else, though some may be more spiritually evolved than others. It really doesn’t matter.

The most important thing is to enjoy life. To have fun and play. We have all been exhausted by the 3-D matrix system which surrounds us constantly with fear-mongering, abuse, manipulation, trickery, and violence. But I do believe that our true human nature is to be creative and to enjoy our life. We simply have allowed ourselves to be held hostage by an illusion of reality that has seemed so real that even those of us who perceived shreds of other possibilities have struggled to materialize those more creative experiences of life here on Earth.

It is getting easier to shrug off the old way of being as more and more people around the planet share their experiences. Now we know that we are not alone, even thought we may not know many people who are like us in our immediate sphere. The gift of the Internet allows us to share experiences and to encourage one another. I am so thankful for this amazing tool! So have fun, and get to know your true self. I hope this intuitive technique is helpful to you on your inner journey to freedom!

 

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Trust, freedom, and power: the price of conditional love


 

Dearest readers,

I’ve been musing about belonging and freedom. Naturally, we should be easily able to be part of a family or group and also maintain our individuality. At least it seems simple on the surface. Thousands of years of conditional love have robbed us of our spontaneity, our ability to love self and others, and to truly trust in our own voice and in our connections with other human beings.

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As a child, I had to make the choice between belonging and freedom. I sensed by the age of ten or twelve that freedom was more important to me than belonging to my family. The family system demanded that all individuality, all freedom, all friendships with people outside of the family be relinquished in exchange for belonging, for being loved, accepted, for being a member of the family. Of course, this is/was a highly dysfunctional family system. I now realize that while this family system was an extreme, it was actually a representation of the norm pushed so far as to make the intolerable part of normalcy/conditional love in our society very obvious.

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At some point in my life, I realized that I chose (or some part of me chose) to be a part of this family. To experience an upbringing that was painful, but one which forced me to become aware of my own priorities. Coming up in this family with my sensitivity and quiet nature, my own soul pushed me to revolt, to choose freedom, despite the pain of being excluded and even despised. I was the one chosen to carry the shadow of the family. Everything that was painful, repressed, difficult – like disease, failure, loss – was my fault. As I got older, the more I asserted my freedom and my individuality, the harsher the punishments, anger, and vengeful spirit became.

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Often, the most spiritually evolved soul in a family group plays the role of the scapegoat. Each soul in a family group agrees to experience together certain roles for the benefit of the spiritual growth of each soul in the group. I have explored freedom, the price of freedom, as well as the benefits and the liabilities of solitude.

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And now, I am confronted with the necessity and inevitable ties between trust, surrender, and belonging. My spiritual and personal evolution require me to heal the part of myself that gave up on belonging, that gave up on trust when I chose freedom, and with it, for the most part, life-long solitude.

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I want to preserve the part of myself that is a dreamer, introspective, and which enjoys solitude. And I want to be able to feel whole, connected, belong, to trust, give and receive, without relinquishing my personal power or individuality.

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Right now, I can’t be in a relationship with others, or even in a place where I trust the Universe to fulfill my heart’s desires, if I cannot surrender or trust. When I set my intentions for my dreams and desires, I must surrender them to the Universe. Letting go and not knowing how things will come into being requires trust.

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It is hard for me to get close to other people. I feel more comfortable being alone. As we collectively move into unity consciousness, I sense that my own healing requires retrieval of my full self. Healing means becoming whole again. Becoming aware of all of the pieces of myself that were deeply hurt and tucked away, and taking them out to embrace them with feeling and acceptance, and yes, with my own love. I feel so close to living fully as the powerful being I know that I am…yet to embody trust and surrender seems to be so necessary and simultaneously untouchable.

 

Having chosen not only this childhood but also a long chain of betrayals, abuse, bullying at home and in the workplace, relationships of all kinds where I allowed myself to be used, tricked, robbed, my soul has evolved out of victimhood into a library of human experiences of suffering and resilience. In retrospect, I believe that I chose on some level with free will all of these painful experiences of rejection, manipulation, grief, solitude, suffering. The other aspect of these experiences was to allow me  opportunities to discover my own strength, imagination, and power as well as self-love and appreciation in order to help others at some point. The school of life as a human being is not an easy one.

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My dream is to be free, all while assisting the planet and all of her creatures in the ascension process. To live and make a living as an artist, to be free from conventional society, its limitations, judgments, bondage. At the same time, I seek connection, and I am always connected to all that is. I have always felt connected to the entire universe and to our beautiful planet. To all of the plants and trees, to the animals. To the water, the air, the clouds, even to buildings and roads. Inanimate objects. But connecting to other human beings is the most challenging of all connections. Why is that?

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The human being is no longer a natural being. Conditioned from birth to accept that  beauty, love, and truth be replaced by an artificial truth, all human beings give up large portions of self in order to belong to the groups of family and society. This “fake” love which is really the acceptance of the social contract forces us to give up self-love, authenticity, and the ability to relate to one another in an honest and simple way. We all lose the ability to trust self and others as we grow up. Most of us lose touch with our intuition and our connection to spirit and to the consciousness of the planet, the consciousness of the plants, the animals, the clouds, the soil, rocks, insects, the water.

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My whole life, I have been seeking another natural human being who could be my friend, my partner. Someone who remembers, who is awake and aware. Someone who knows his or her own shadow. Someone who knows that there is darkness in the light of unity and love and who embraces all of it. Someone that I can trust.

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Many years ago, an archaeologist friend from Ethiopia told me about a vision he had of me. He saw me lying naked, unconscious or sleeping, surrounded by a circle of crossed swords. The other day, in my mind’s eye, I arose, twirling in a dance, and I surrounded those swords in a swath of iridescent light, each sword lighting up in a pure and brilliant hue of the rainbow. I dissolved them all into a single rainbow sword, which I used to cut all of the twisted energy cords coming from my body. Spreading my arms in an arc around my body, I created a beautiful vesica pisces-shaped aura around my body. Majestic cobalt blue wings sprouted from my shoulder blades, and a blue beak emerged from my face.

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I wanted to take charge of my life, of my own healing, of my return to wholeness…myself with the universe. But I had left out the human element. The element of relationship of myself with other human beings. Trusting another human being. Receiving part of my healing…the part of power I had given away in the conditional love contract that we all share with our families, friends, partners.

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Yesterday, I was debating whether I should sign up for a healing session with an internationally known healer, or whether I should trust myself to heal myself. Make myself whole again. Could it be done? Could I become whole again without putting my trust in another? I had always felt that giving up my power to a group, to a teacher or healer was not needed and even dangerous. Yet there remains this part of my personal history – a part of all of our histories – that is still wounded.

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I strongly feel that all human beings are powerful beings. We each create our own reality. We are not victims, no matter how much we suffer. No matter how difficult our lives may be. As we each at our own pace and in our own way poke and prod our way through the confusing challenge of finding our own path, which is constantly evolving, trust is key. Trust in our self. If everything is One, then trusting self and trusting another should come easily. That is the way of the natural human being who has given up all conditioning and the suffering it has caused. One emotion at a time, I have taken back shards and fragments of my self. My heart. My emotional self.

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Perhaps the healer has a gift that I don’t have. I am not giving away my power by going to see him. I am proving to myself that I can open my heart while facing another human being. That I can trust myself to not need to protect myself in any way. That our energy fields can merge without my losing any part of myself, my freedom, my individuality. That connection, receiving, and belonging can and should be self-evident for all of us, and not be bought at such a high price.

For me, the New Earth we are recreating together embodies a way of living that is natural for us as human beings. It is our birthright and the template for this way of being is stored in every cell in our bodies. We know what feels right. Once we stop spinning in drama and delusion of a fake and painful collective reality based on exploitation, abuse, victimization, and conditional love, and begin to wake up and remember what love and truth are, then we can begin to trust in our own power and rediscover our own voices once again.

 

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On Money and Freedom


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Dearest readers,

Many people say that money is but a form of energy. That everything is energy. Yet in our current paradigm, money seems to rule our lives and holds for many the energy of fear. Fear of not having enough, fear of not being able to live out our true talents, desires, dreams. Money is, more often than not, the currency of bondage. We allow ourselves to be controlled by a system that does not hold our best interests, both individual and collective, at heart.

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Ursula K. Le Guin, the science fiction author, essayist, poet, and feminist questions our entire economic system of unlimited growth in her book No Time to Spare: Thinking About What Matters in an essay entitled “Clinging Desperately to a Metaphor”. At the head of the essay, she quotes Richard Falk from an article in Al Jazeera published February 22nd 2011: “Unless the people benefit, economic growth is a subsidy for the rich.”

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Le Guin questions unlimited growth as a model for a society: “Capitalist growth, probably for at least a century and certainly from the turn of the millennium on, has been growth in the wrong sense. Not only endless, but uncontrolled – random. Growth as in tumor. Growth as in cancer.”

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She continues to express that our economy and planet are deathly ill, as we have deeply disturbed the natural harmonies of our bodies, our ability to live in harmony with ourselves and one another, as well as with nature. When money, the currency of exchange, becomes a source of terminal illness, when do we do to release ourselves from the bondage of a system which makes us all sick, stressed, unhappy, and which endangers our collective survival and well-being?

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Personally, I have always valued freedom over wealth. Intuitively, I always knew I couldn’t handle working a conventional job more than two or three days a week, and that the rest of my time had to be devoted to being creative and living on my own timeline. When I began to work full-time, I felt incredibly unhappy, stressed, and out of balance. I have always preferred to have less stuff and more free time. Freedom is the currency of happiness for me.

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Nature offers us her abundance every day. If we slow down and choose simplicity, we find (I have found) that we need  much less than we have been conditioned to require as necessity. Simplicity is the way to freedom. And freedom is the pathway to happiness, health, and to a life well-lived.

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Advanced civilizations have no need for money. But more importantly, freedom requires a higher level of consciousness. Before we can all enjoy equality, the free expression of our talents, and to value all life forms, including the consciousness of the planet, we must raise our own awareness and release all aspects of the old, conditioned thought patterns that hold us enslaved in the old paradigm of duality.

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Our current system values money, power, and masculinity above all. It allows these concepts to dominate our lives. It refuses to acknowledge the rightful place of the divine feminine, and so we drudge through a life of uniformity with never enough time to dream, relax, play. Our lives are too structured. And the power that money brings us is not freedom. It is enslavement. We worry about what others have or what we don’t have. The system has created a system of debt, and we can never catch up. Pay it all off. We are never free. We can’t breathe.

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More and more people want to step off that train of endless debt and meaningless needs and desires. Yet there are still some huge obstacles to confront. Why must we pay for our homes, for a place to live, rest, sleep? Why must we pay taxes to a government which wages endless war and whose immoral imperatives protect only the very wealthy and rarely the common good of people, animals, and the planet? Why must someone more powerful than we own pieces of the Earth, who belongs to no one but herself? Is this not a form of slavery? Why must we do work for, more often than not, self-serving corporations, giving away our most precious commodity – our energy and our personal power – in exchange for the necessities of life – food, shelter, healthcare?

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Our basic freedoms were hijacked many thousands of years ago when the money system was created. All of humanity was enslaved, and our consciousness was carefully conditioned. We have willingly passed down this conditioning from generation to generation. We have listened to and believed in the propaganda that we are all fed every moment of the day, no matter what culture, religious, or governmental system we have been raised in. Every human being on the planet is a slave until we awaken and reclaim our freedom, which is the birthright we have all unconsciously renounced.

All artists speak for the right to be free. All indigenous peoples retain the somewhat distant memory of freedom, of what it was like to live free from the bondage of debt and duality. To know that being a part of nature requires a balance of masculine and feminine energies. To know that we are all connected to the consciousness of the planet and to the infinite wisdom of the source of all life. That all of this power and wisdom is contained within each of us, sleeping in our DNA.

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As we begin to awaken from the deepest slumber, from thousands of years of domination by a handful of clever and very manipulative beings, we will begin to understand that our life and well-being belong only to us. We will begin to refuse to live as slaves, going to jobs that we hate, in exchange for food and shelter. The system of serfdom and destruction of the planet is about to collapse. Awakening means remembering. Remembering that the plants and animals are our family members, and that we owe them so much love and gratitude. Remembering our own power to create realities that we wish to experience and which make us feel happy and fulfilled.

Freedom is not something that someone outside of self gives to you. It is something that we each must claim, by reaching deep within our self. Striving to remember from the deepest reaches of the collective history of humanity, stored in our genetic structure. Freedom is what we each crave to experience. To wake up each morning when our body says “I have slept enough.” To play and dream, to create with pure intentions. To love self and others. To know that fear is a choice, and that we are each responsible for our creations.

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Money will pass away from humanity as we ascend to a higher level of consciousness as a collective. It may take some time. It is a form of energy, a construct that was designed to keep us in line. To preserve the lineages, luxuries, and privileges of ruling classes. When we realize that we no longer need it, we will create a new way of living together that will honor the individuality, the gifts, and abilities of every human being as well as every living being on the planet and beyond. Once we learn to love and honor ourselves and remember our own power and responsibility to self and others, money will slip away and be forgotten. We will wonder why we spent so much time and energy worrying about not having enough of it to live. At that time, we will be free.

 

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